Friday, June 22, 2007

6/22/2007 If I Could Marry Anyone...

6/22/2007 If I Could Marry Anyone...



Here is a list and some brief explanations. This list will, of course, get me arrested, so don't be surprised if my next post is years away...



  1. My cousin. Would this get me arrested? Last time I saw her she was 14. As lovely as you probably think she is, with long blond hair and perfect white skin. She is an intelligent and responsible girl who is college age now. It was her voice, so soft like a whisper, that really got me. But the whole time I have this overwhelming feeling that we are similar on the inside.

    Of course, this is all ignoring considerations other than raw attraction. There are things that would get in the way of such a marriage, like having to answer the question, “Where is your wife” with the answer, “playing jump rope in the driveway.”

  2. My former therapist. She was a couple years younger than me. When I first saw her I thought that I'd be in love with her after a few sessions. But it didn't happen. I guess I was so suicidal at that time that I needed her to be my therapist more than my love interest. Plus, she was married so, off limits. When I left therapy, the fantasies started in earnest, and have only intensified since. No one on earth would give me so much pleasure. I didn't have these feelings during my therapy, but I do remember looking at her face as she was talking to me and thinking how utterly beautiful it was. Her husband is so lucky to be able to gaze into those eyes for so long.

    She is my perfect lover in many ways. First, physically, there is no doubt that she is the utter embodiment of everything I ever wanted. I would call her an Egyptian goddess. Next, her voice is lovely. I am convinced that the sound of a voice has a profound effect on how we feel about one another. She was deeply caring about people, and very wise.

  3. Jennifer. I went into the story of Jen earlier. I still have very vivid fantasies about her. My feelings are not the same as I have not seen her in some time. But I know that if I did, they would come right back.

  4. Another women I used to work with. She will be an example of what I like to call a sexual paradigm, which I'll explain in detail later. When I first saw her, I thought she was attractive. But I had no idea what I was in for. I found her to be tremendously erotic; more so every time I saw her. Eventually I fantasized about her constantly and the thought of her brought me to a deeper level of pleasure, almost as if she alone composed my sexual preference and all other women were just settling in lieu of her. I have no idea what her personality is, but the pleasure I would get from her is so great that she is here.

  5. My cousin. Two instances of incest thusfar. Of course, many of us have at least one cousin we'd like to fuck. This cousin is the mother of the first. But she is such good person, I would love to be with her. She is an older women, but still in wonderful shape.

  6. The girl next door. Or rather the one that lived behind me. Even when she was very young, there was always something about her face I loved. She grew into a very beautiful women, who no doubt is fighting them off. The problem with marrying her would be that maybe one day she would find out that I'd rather have her brother fuck me than her. First instance of homosexual fantasy.



More On Selection...



So why these women and not others? Why do I not want to marry the pornstars I download? Why do I not want to Marry Anna kournikova? Do we simply cherish that which we see every day? But I do discriminate among even that group. So why them? Do they all represent me trying to deal with issues from the past, like my previous post on Sarah would indicate?

I recently heard someone define passion as love plus anger. Is anger part of passion? Do we need to be angry at the people we love in part because otherwise there would be no passion? That would explain the fact that I realized that I was attracted to Sarah mostly because she was a women is distress. I said I was still trying to protect my mother from my father. But that doesn't tell the whole story. I was angry at my mother. Because she never could protect me from my father. That's not really fair, but I was a child at the time. Do we keep the hurts we have as children for the rest of our lives, and then try to find mates through which we work out those issues? Was I looking for a women that I could transfer my anger onto?

Anger does have to be a part of love. I mean, women like a gentle lover, I believe that. But no one wants someone to be too gentle too much of the time. At one point, one has to be passionate. Does that mean angry? Do we expect love to be angry at times? I think we do. Love cannot be love all of the time. That leaves hurts in us unresolved.

But how far can that anger go? Of course, we all have values. If the anger goes past those rules, love cannot develop. If it already has developed, then maybe it could continue, but it wouldn't be fulfilling. But anger is not anger if it is too gentle. So we need to find ways of hurting our lovers without breaking rules. If we do not do this, we do not find love. And we also need to find lovers who hurt us in the right ways.

So through all of this, what of that which does break the rules? If we love as much for the hurts in our past as the compassion and lust we receive from our lovers, then what of those who would go beyond that which is acceptable to accomplish this? If the issue is purely that of human happiness, then is the direct route the right way to go?

For example, if a girl grows up with an alcoholic father who is, at times, abusive. She then grows up and marries a man who is similar to her father. This type of thing happens every day. Would the more direct route be for her to engage in a romantic relationship with her father and try to use her affections to create a more tolerable environment with him? From the point of view of marrying for breeding purposes, this makes no sense. But if we marry to make ourselves happy, and we love to heal our pain, than why not?

While I think it would be naïve to assume that such a thing is not happening somewhere in the world, and furthermore it may also be naïve to assume that the sexual lures of a young women could not influence the actions of her father, one has to conclude that any success coming from such a practice would be a tremendous minority of occurrences. Certainly the mother would end up with her own set of issues from such a maneuver on the part of the daughter, and things would get complicated. But it would be putting the blame where it belongs.

And if anger is part of love, then that would certainly explain why men might physically control his lover. This may occur through physical violence. But if his lover is dealing with her own issues, then running away from him may not be an option to her, as she would be left with unresolved hurt.

Is that our snapshot of love? We love each other, we hurt each other. Then we love each other because we hurt each other. Is divorce, then, just another stage of love? Is hitting just another sexual act if the two parties find pleasure in it? Some would bristle at the very notion that one would gain pleasure from such things.

But none of this leads to our happiness. What would? The real problem, of course, is with God. Many of us say that God is perfect; pusillanimous ass-kissing. It was God who made the alcoholic father. It was God who gave his daughter an issue that she had no power to overcome. It was God that did not intervene when the abuser committed his abuse. Are we responsible for God's design? No. Much of the problem is existential crisis. God will not intervene in our endeavors anymore, if he ever did. But we do not blame him. Of course, God has too much power for us to punish him, or he does not exist at all. But it is a nice way to realize how little right and wrong matter in human relations.

Let's begin by getting to my first rape fantasy and examining the reasons for it. That's next.

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