Sunday, June 10, 2007

6/10/2007 Makin' Em Nervous

6/10/2007 Makin' Em Nervous



Last Friday at work I stayed late. I ended up in a conversation with the only other guy who did. (Nice weather, and we're not a bunch of workaholics. There were three people left at 2:00PM, two at 4:00PM. We are not men here.) He came in to chat about a job I am working on, and I was kind of watching him as I went. He has this sort of sarcastic style, a sort of casualness in the way he talks. It's there all the time. I am watching him use this style on me, it's not coming easy. You see, no one is really comfortable with me. I arrive in the morning, leave in the afternoon, often without saying a word to anyone. So when the time come to talk to me, no one knows quite what to say. Or should I say, no one knows what to expect. I could blow up like Virginia Tech, I could be a normal guy. No one knows.

My conversation with Jim is chock full of awkward pauses and I feel sorry for him. He is trying to be friendly, and he does run the place. Relating to people is part of management. But it's so hard with me. Jim is a good guy, Sometimes I'm sorry for the effect I have on people.

But others I'm not. When I first got to this place, there was a not-so-well hidden perception that I'm gay. Heh. You see, 36 years plus not married plus a lot of narrow-minded middle aged conservatives means gay. I'll admit I overheard some of this, a little too late to have any fun with it as that morning I had a convo with my boss about dating. But I can't help but laugh at the small-mindedness of these white suburbanites. I'm not saying they're bad people, just that they have a very narrow view of what's possible. The perception that I am gay is not dead, however.

The other day I went out for break and I came back and clicked on the open file menu. The window opened up to a folder I hadn't accessed for months. So now, they're searching my computer! Heh...I couldn't care less what they find. They're not computer savvy enough to find anything interesting, nor net savvy enough to figure anything out. But it's funny that they're that determined that I'm into something that they are willing to search my computer. I have been scouring my brain as to how to have fun with this, but I haven't come up with anything. A few shots of that transsexual would do the trick, but they would likely not be able to find it. So I'd have to make it desktop wallpaper or something but it would likely get me into real trouble as harassment or maybe just inappropriate behavior.

For the rest, accusations of arrogance “you think we should come to you” are expected, though no one here has ever had the courage to confront me with it. All in all, I miss the people at my last job. They were good people and we were small enough that we knew each other. But that's in the past.

In the building in which I live, it's mostly older folks. That's good and bad. Older folks are easier to talk to, and talk easier. So I'm not the least bit nervous around them. The problem is, the possibility of making real friends here is small.

Lately, I things might be changing, though. A few weeks back, I came home a bit late (10:00PM) and I ran into this women who seemed to be slightly younger than me. I was surprised because I didn't know anyone my age lived in the building. She had a tatoo on her lower back and her hair was long and curly and completely lovely. She had these little brown eyes and I wished I could talk to her. But I didn't know what to say. How I wish it were so simple as saying, “I think you're really pretty and I want to get to know you.” I still am hoping I'll run into her again. She seems pretty shy, too, though, as on the elevator she crunched herself all the way into the corner, though she managed to make it look casual.

Then a week ago I heard this female voice coming from a balcony a few floors above. She had an English accent. She was talking with a guy who also had an accent. I heard him say to her, “You are just so not ready to be a wife. It may be what you need but you are just so not ready.” I thought that was cruel. Who's ever ready? She's ready when she decides she's ready. But anyway, I was surprised to hear another young voice. This one was clearly in her twenties, and perhaps even early twenties.

Then about an hour later I was coming back from something when I opened the door for a couple. I was blown away by the female. She was blond and small and perfect. When they thanked me, they did so in accent. IT was them! Holy cow! I had a perfect girl living a floor above me! I thought I was with a bunch of senior citizens.

Still, I like the girl with the tatoo. She was the one I wanted to put my arms around.

But women avoid me, they do. If men are intimidated by me, you can imagine how women respond. Once you get ten years either way from me, it's like I have a force field around me. I don't think that it's any different for anyone else, of course. I just think that other guys have ways of breaking through that force field, I don't.

For example, I talked about the Melissa Ethridgey waitress I had a few weeks back. She was too friendly. But what, isn't that exactly the type of person I wanted to meet? She was somewhat attractive. Wouldn't it be great to be with someone like that, who just broke right through the forcefield? I have been thinking it was, I even masturbated over her, rather passionately I might add. But when I saw her again last week, the defenses went right up.

So you see, I have developed a certain amount of comfort with myself. My defenses are abnormally strong, and they go up right away as a matter of instinct. They are something that is “hardwired” into the product, regardless of whether they were there at birth or not. The comfort I have developed with myself is a comfort of being at a distance from people, observing them. But sometimes I long to “connect” with them. To enjoy myself by enjoying a good conversation with someone interesting. But When I try, the defenses go up, and I cannot enjoy myself at all.

A lot of conservatives would bristle at the fact that I would even call myself shy. Just using the term “social Anxiety” makes it real, they would say. But the fact is, no one is like me. Or perhaps I should say, many are like me, but most are only 10-75% like me. There is no way of thinking myself out of this, I have tried. All there is left is to try to extract as much pleasure from this life as possible.

The Dali Lama has said that the way to extract maximum enjoyment out of this life is to treat all beings with compassion. That's probably right. But the decision to do that is not within my control. We think of ourselves as decision makers, but we're wrong. A lot of what we do in our lives is hard-wired. We hope to maintain the illusion of choosing the right thing, but in reality we do first and rationalize second.

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