08/02/2007 Those That Do Not Learn...

08/02/2007 Those That Do Not Learn...

From History are blah blah blah. But those who do are bound for the same destiny. Think about it; aren't we repeating history in Iraq? We tried this government-building in the 60s and 70s in Iran and Afghanistan; didn't work. It all depends, you see, on what you learn.

Let's take this to a personal level to de-politicize it. I once had a co-worker who told me that when she was younger she had a chance to go to Paris, but passed it up to be with her future husband. “If I knew then what I know now, I would have gone.” Months later, she announced that they were divorcing.

So let's take a look at this. This women felt that she had learned from her own history. But let's say things worked out differently. Let's say she had gone to Paris and left her husband behind. Would she always regret leaving behind the man that could have been the great love of her life? Would she forever blame any unhappiness on the selfish act of going to Paris and leaving love behind? If she had left this man behind, would she ever have learned that he wasn't really worth the sacrifice? In the realm of the unknown, anything is possible. To the romantic eye, that which comes from the unknown can only be perfect.

And in a pluralistic society, what is there to learn, when no truth is agreed upon? Neo-conservatives hail Bush's strength and moral certainty, liberals rail at his obliviousness, lack of knowledge. Democrats point to Vietnam, even as Republicans try to reinvent that war as a success. What do we learn? Russia has given up trying to make free enterprise and democracy work. Conservative economists wag fingers at Putin, why don't they learn from the United States? but Russia fires back; we have. They tried for over a decade to make democracy work, and it didn't. Putin is taking control of government? There was widespread corruption. What is the current President trying to do about corruption in this country? Trying to hide his own, and those of his cabinet. Putin is taking control of the press? Should he learn from us, where our press in slightly more costly than “free”? What are we learning from our obesity? From the crime rate, higher than most other rich countries? Tabbing oneself the world's role model is not much incentive to learn, is it?

In that context I would suggest that what is best for the country might be to re-elect the Republicans to power. Only if there is no one else to blame for a long time can we ever be expected to learn anything. Make no mistake, our President's policies are a repetition of the past. He is doing the same thing in Iraq that we tried to do in Iran. His economic policies are fashioned after Reagan. What did we feel that we had learned from “trickle down economics” when Clinton was elected? Here, we are cutting taxes again (though I find it unforgivable to raise taxes on the poor via the weakening of the earned income tax credit) and building up a debt. Isn't that what got his father sent home? If we are ever to learn our lesson about Reaganomics, we need to see this through. If the Democrats are in power after 2008, then the republicans will always claim that they would have made the necessary cuts to address the debt, blaming their problems on the democrats. Nothing will be learned. If the democrats pull out of Iraq and disaster ensues, as it almost certainly will, republicans will blame the democrats for the entire disaster. Nothing will be learned.

Two things have to happen in order for this country to learn from this time in history. First, it must be a republican who gives the order to pull out of Iraq. Second, it must be a republican who deals with the debt that the current president has created. As the debt continues to pile up, as the bills from the war on terror come in and the higher costs of health care push Medicaid and Medicare higher and higher, this is not going to be easy. The most important thing that could come out of the next election, which is approaching the Superbowl in entertainment value for the masses, is a solid idea of the direction we need to take in the country. It is imperative that the war on terror be sharply defined. What are we doing right, what are we doing wrong. What do we need more of, what effort can we save. With both sides finding their own new spin every day, it's hard; but events must not be allowed to be ambiguous.

08/01/2007 Just A Journal Post

08/01/2007 Just A Journal Post

Lately UM has been battling an increased lack of motivation which has him rethinking things. That's why I haven't been posting much. This weekend I spent Sunday pretty much sleeping. All that sleeping, one would think, would cause one to feel somewhat refreshed, but Monday was almost as bad, though I went to work. The Vertigo is pretty much gone, it's something else that has me down.

Monday at work I was tired all day and still when I got home. I am happy I resisted the urge to go to bed when I got home, which generally leads to bad things. I masturbated before I went to sleep, which I shouldn't do because it doesn't make me tired anymore, just hungry. I started thinking of the beautiful French singer Alizee, one of my favorite people on the planet. But I came for Miley Cyrus, who is just hitting her mid-teens and has become one of the hottest girls anywhere. If they ever invent a machine where you can live out your fantasies, I am gonna get so arrested.

While I had been doing better of late in motivating myself, this weekend I just crashed. I am in horrible shape and still gaining weight. I need fucking steroids. I don't overeat, but I still gain weight. I need to exercise, but I never do. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I need to change something. I used to say in therapy all the time, I need to rebuild myself from the ground up. But it's hard, I am not sure I can change anymore. It seems like when I am not exerting maximum willpower I default to unhealthy things. I need a change.

I am thinking of founding a community of people who would dedicate themselves to exercise and, perhaps, martial arts. That would be a way to motivate myself. Actually, studying people who successfully keep up a workout routine for a long period of time, usually they say that you just have to get used to doing things when you are not motivated. In a community, we could have people challenge each other, motivate each other, wake each other up. This would be a living community of people, we would do it for each other.

But I am always thinking things like that. I am always trying to outsmart myself. More and more as I get older I begin to think that we really can't deny our nature. Maybe the best thing I can do is eat when I feel like eating and enjoy it as much as possible. And if I die then, well, try to enjoy that, too.

08/01/2007 Why I Am Still A Virgin

08/01/2007 Why I Am Still A Virgin

Thinking back to the episode of “Confessions Of A Matchmaker” featuring the 41 year old virgin John, I am remembering that perhaps the most disturbing part of the episode was watching him trying to explain why he was a virgin. To be 41 years old and still not understand yourself, especially when the problem he has is so detrimental to his happiness, must be scary in a humanist society that loves to give the quote, “Know thyself.” Of course, that's the whole “Dr. Phil” paradigm, that we love to see people who are ignorant about themselves confronted with what we know about them.

And while it may be true to say that most of us don't know ourselves as well as we think, John's case is still particularly disturbing. For myself, I am approaching John's age with the same affliction as he; but I don't count myself with him in being ignorant as to why, though I'm sure none of us would unless we had to. To boot; while John was described as good-looking, I am not so much. One could look at me and easily see that my situation might not be self-inflicted. Though it largely is.

I have been trying to figure out how to write about this. Though I created this blog to record the things that I think and wouldn't say; I also don't want to blatantly give away my identity. I'm sure there are talented hackers out there that could find it out right now, but for most of us I would like to keep things anonymous. So I'll try here to write a blog post that gives some idea of how I got to be a 36 year old virgin without giving away too many personal details.

About my past, I will be brief. I spent the first years of my life living as the only child on the street. No friends. Once a week my mother would bring me a few streets over to play with another child. But I was mostly alone.

My father, as I have said, had a bad temper. I was mostly kept away from him. When I was very young, his tantrums were sometimes quite violent. My mother would take me and escape. But she would come back. The interplay between my father and my mother would play a role in my own development. First, with my father being angry a lot of the time, I learned quickly to stay out of sight as much as possible. Second, whenever my father became angry, my family would become silent and give in to whatever demands he made so as not to make it worse. This continued into my teenage years, even as his tantrums diminished in severity. I was disgusted at this and resented my whole family; my mother for being too weak to fight back, my father for selfishly inflicting pain on us to serve his own emotional needs. While I was very young, I made a decision never to be like him. To this day, I cannot shake the feeling that I am being selfish when I am approaching someone. I see women as tolerating my presence, even fearful of me. I approach people easily if I feel I have something to offer them, like advice. But other than that, I keep away.

Like the guy said in the “40 Year Old Virgin”, “I respect women so much I stay away from them.” When I am out and see a beautiful women, I avert my eyes and feel like i am being civilized, doing her a favor. The problems with this way of thinking are two: first, it keeps me from ever telling anyone I am interested. Second, it's partially true. While most men are at least a little attracted to all women, this is not true of women. While men are better able to overcome their appearance than women, it's true to say I have something to overcome. Hitch might have been right in the movie when he said, “No women is getting up this morning and saying, `I hope someone doesn't sweep me off my feet today.'” But the harsh reality is that it is not me they have in mind when they think of who's going to sweep them off their feet. Girls don't kiss frogs. What would your intuition say about a frog? We are all full of fear when we approach people, and we think we are being judged. While we bay choose to comfort ourselves by saying that we are not, it's not so. We are. Women, by and large, prefer it if I move on, communicating only politely and on a superficial level.

That said, I certainly think I could find someone. Both my therapists and the PUA guys I have read (I think Mystery Method sounded best) have said that I should change my perceptions from asking what the other person thinks of me to asking what I want from the other person and how to get it. But that goes against my nature to a large extent. It's hard to control your thoughts.

And this is all the kind of analysis I often get bogged down in. Why don't I just go out and meet someone? So what if I get rejected a hundred times? Once I find someone, my life gets better, right? Am I afraid of rejection? Both of my therapists say yes. But I don't know. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of going out alone. I have no friends to go with. I'm afraid because I've never been in a singles bar. I don't even drink and wouldn't know what to order. And I see all of this as lowering my value as a man. How can a man take charge of a date if he doesn't know where to go next? Doesn't know his surroundings? And, yes, I am afraid of being rejected. But it's not the first thing on the list. And worse, I can't imagine myself not being rejected. I reject myself, so why wouldn't a women reject me?

I have tried online personals, didn't happen for me. I sent out a lot of emails and got no response. I've said it before, I think online personals are a rip-off for men. Women browse the torrents of emails they receive with the same jaded eye they would Karaoke singers or wallpaper. In a sense, it is a return to a more primitive time. Once primitive peoples used to have mating rituals in which the men or women would woo their potential mates with a mating dance. Now the men woo the women with words in an email, sometimes before they even know what the women looks like. And while many on either side of the gender line would say that this conflicts with our humanist idea that the best man for the job should get the job, none of us really can stop.

But that view is likely a much because of my own failure as anything. I kept a profile for more than a year, sent out many emails. On Match.com I got absolutely nothing, my profile might as well have been disabled. On yahoo I did a bit better, three responses that went nowhere. A few of the women I emailed actually appeared to ban me as they disappeared right after I emailed them, which seems particularly nasty, but there it is.

So I've tried. But it's hard. The first day I had my profile up on match.com, I didn't sleep that night. I had no idea the silence that was about to hit me. Composing emails is an excruciating experience. I am greatly stressed as I compose and normally the ads I read give me little to comment on. The inevitability of rejection makes the whole thing seem pointless, and as I browse the ads that say to me over and over again that they are looking for a guy with confidence, a sense of humor, someone who knows what he wants, someone thin, it becomes even more obvious that most of them are trying to filter me out. That's precisely the kind of negative thought that many would say is a self-fulfilling prophesy. But it's not. I didn't think myself fat. Confidence may be something you can fake, and faking successfully then leads to sincere confidence, it's difficult to approach women knowing you have to pretend to be what they want.

It's past a point now where I am even planning to do anything about it. I have been planning all my life and I'm not sure I even care anymore. While I am sure that I want love in my life, I am not sure I am willing to do what it takes to get it. For all the reasons I mentioned, and the obvious reason that I am humiliated by the fact that I am destined to fumble like a teenager in romantic situations and sexual ones, this is all harder for me than for most, though it's hard for all. There is no question in my mind that I can also be happy alone. Maybe that's what's best for me. I should probably concentrate on doing the things that bring me pleasure and just trying to be honest with people rather than going for love.

07/27/2007 Tyler, My Eyes Are Open

07/27/2007 Tyler, My Eyes Are Open

As someone who is isolated and tends to communicate little, I have a natural hypersensitivity to other's gestures. I tend to interact via these gestures rather than the traditional method of conversation. Thus I exist in somewhat of an Underground apart from Dostoyevsky's UM, I exist in the shadows of perception. In this way I know people better in some ways, but worse in others. That is, I can isolate their actions from their rationalizations better than most, but cannot predict what they will say as others can. Nor do I know mundane details, like their favorite ice cream, or their pasts.

I seldom go anywhere other than work and out to eat. Because there are few women where I work, any possibility of love comes from restaurants or shopping. Much of this is to my detriment, as I don't spend much time with the opposite sex and my spirit is somewhat weaker as a result. I feel less in general. The love that others have inspired in the past is a memory. And even when I think of it, I only remember the words I used to describe it, seldom do I remember how it felt. When I go out these days, any young woman who is above-average looking appears to me as a goddess, anyone else as an obstacle. That's cruel but I have a hard time changing it, and it becomes difficult to make friends as most people are the obstacles. And most women who I am attracted to intimidate me. I end up not looking at them rather than follow my natural inclination to fawn over them as a means of preserving my dignity. Of course, I must also confront the knowledge that I am an obstacle to many of the people I run into, including many of the women I am attracted to.

The one I have the biggest crush on now is a Waitress at a take out restaurant near where I work. I first noticed her because she had such a great memory. I also noticed her appearance, and of course she is lovely, but only upon seeing her many times could I fully comprehend her loveliness. She is small, with small, delicate shoulders and little tits, with a lovely shape to her face. She is completely misplaced as a waitress. But I am sort of trapped in my solitude with my need to interact with her. Sometimes she remembers my name and asks me how I am, and I feel alive. At other times she gruffly asks, “Can I help you?” and I feel like I don't matter. It seems like this often depends on her level of relaxation, where if the place is crowded she hurries me and if not she engages in more casual conversation. But of course, it always hurts to be treated like an obstacle. I would love to put my hands on those delicate shoulders and kiss that lovely face.

There's this one guy at work that I keep tabs on. He's funny. I think I mentioned before that I believe he's snooped around my computer when I wasn't looking. He reminds me of my father in that he has a bad temper, though his is not to the same degree. He is emotional, and this sometimes causes him to act selfishly. He is also very organized, extremely talented, the hardest worker in the place, and the only one who seems driven to establish his own individual identity. I have been wondering, though, if we would clash. This seems inevitable, as we are conflicting personalities; he with his temper and need for organization, me with my curtness and subversiveness. We rarely talk, only saying “good morning” and “good night”. But I'd be surprised if that lasts. He has yet to find a way to confront me that jives with his values, and a guy like that will likely never confront me unless he really believes he's right. So it's a stalemate for now. It will be interesting to see how it plays out.

People tend to make simplistic judgments on others, we all seem to think we can read each other. People often see my quietness and interpret it as weakness. When they take me on, they are often surprised at my ability to defend myself, and either respond by taking offense or trying to ally themselves with me. Snap judgments is one of the greatest obstacles to any human interaction, be it in the workforce or in romance. We all fear people who may hurt us, and this causes us to analyze anyone we meet and intuit, or interpret, anything we see. Often this leads to judgments that are not based in any kind of reality. Nice guys do, sometimes, finish last. Abusers seldom lack people to abuse, lest they be robbed of their moniker. Are human beings cursed to misunderstand each other by always seeing through the lens of fear? But then, I have my own defenses as well.

Usually when i say hello to someone I try to make eye contact first. This is due to the fact that historically when I say hi to people I startle them. I am so quiet that people don't expect me to say anything. But for this guy I'm keeping tabs on, he often averts his eyes when I come in, and I can't get him to make eye contact. Sometimes when he says hi he sounds angry, like he'd like to tell me off. Other times he seems genuinely happy. It's hard to tell what's coming next. I'm not really afraid of what will happen. But I find all this interesting. Guys who get mad easily tend to be guys who have a lot of fear in them. Anger covers fear, and his organized approach and tendency to believe in rules solidifies that impression. If he is snooping in my computer, this could be an opportunity to have some fun.

Suppose, for example, that emails kept conspicuously on the desktop (he's an older guy and may not find them otherwise) reveal that I am the member of a secret organization that has stolen a device from the US Government that can control the weather. Then suppose that we are going to strike the US by sending Hurricanes into Florida (if you're thinking that that's going to happen anyway, that's the point). Then suppose Al Gore is working for us, trying to convince people that this is all due to Global Warming, not terrorism. He'll buy that, he's conservative. You get the point.

It may be because I am an outsider inside their walls, or it may be because I am so damn weird looking, but whenever I walk into a room people get a look on their face that is a combination of witnessing a circus spectacle like Siamese twins and being caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Silence allows people to imagine the worst, and they often do. What am I to them? A serial killer? Someone who can see into their mind and know the truth about them?

07/18/2007 Is God An Addiction?

07/18/2007 Is God An Addiction?

Think of a person, any person. Your mother. Your best friend. Your dog. The true love of your life. When you thought of these people, what image flashed through your mind?

In the past, I have taken vows of non-masturbation. At other times, I'm glad I'm able to do it. When I do, I often search the internet for pictures of beautiful women that I can fantasize about.

One day I was looking at a picture of Martina Hingis, the tennis player. I have always thought that she had the such a pretty face. When I had enough pictures of her, I just signed off the internet and had my viewing program display a slideshow. I had pictures of her face, of her rear end, of her playing tennis and lots modeling. But at the end, I stopped on a picture of her face.

What made this day different than most others is that during the orgasm I kept my eyes open. As the pleasure built, my vision heightened. I stared at her face as ecstasy began to overtake me. As I was looking into her face, it became more than a face to me. All of me disappeared, and Martina was looking back at me from a divine plane; with a beauty that I was not otherwise able to perceive. Her beauty was a great presence that I could only begin to see, but I could feel it throughout my entire body. As the pleasure overtook me, I reached out my hand to touch the screen in reverence, more concerned with it than the pleasure I was giving myself. I have never been so gracefully lost.

My point here is, we think of each other as faces. When you think of someone, you think of them as their face. The face is the identity. If someone shows you a picture of your mother's hand, and asks you what is that, you'll say, “my mother's hand.” But if someone shows you her face, you'll say, “That's my mother.”

though masturbation, I guess, should be though of as one hand clapping (or perhaps one hand “slapping”), we have to understand it not as a lower urge but a higher one. It is a deeper form of prayer, and indeed a subset of meditation. At no time does one see the divinity of the real world so clearly as during orgasm. During that marriage of the male and female halves of the world, the reflection in the divine mirror shows us nothing superficial. This act does not deserve the derision of Christians, nor does the saying, “beauty's only skin deep” signify anything but a lack of soul. The beauty of those we mate with is central to our spiritual life, no less so for the pain those of us feel who do not possess it.

07/10/2007 Nanking? Guantanamo? Ah... The Behavior Of Grown-Ups

07/10/2007 Nanking? Guantanamo? Ah... The Behavior Of Grown-Ups ;)

I once had a younger person working under me. He had trouble showing up on time, and had wide mood swings. He used to run down hallways and jump about, often endangering other employees and their work (not that they resented him for it, they thought it was funny.) When I sat him down and had a meeting with him, he told me, “I think the company is stealing people's souls.”

My own managers scoffed at this. “Immaturity” they declared, and we moved on to the subject of how to “correct” this misconception and the behavior of this employee. Years later, the same employee would admit that he, in fact, was immature when he said that.

Utter nonsense. Now, let's say this: a lot of us feel that way when we are young. A lot of us give up this thinking later, declaring that we have “grown up.” But tell me, how many “grown ups” do you really see when you look around? Do we learn to do what's right, or do we simply reach a point where no one tells us we're wrong anymore?

Do we grow up? Or do we give up? Give up our happiness, give up our dreams? Many would say that it's immature just to ask. I would say that this is defense, and personal hurts shouldn't get in the way of rigorous thought about this society, growing up and what toll it takes on the human soul. Shall we ignore it to save the feelings of people because they cannot find meaning in their lives and don't want to have to think about it?

Do we grow up? Or do we give up? Do we ever answer the question of how to keep our souls, or do we learn not to ask? When we are young, like the man in my example, we can ask such questions. He still had his life ahead, literally. He could still be a doctor, an accountant, a baseball player, a rock star, a president. But if you're 40 and you still don't know what the meaning is in your life, what do you do? To answer that question, I'll ask another.

Why do therapists always blame the parents? Answer: because if someone doesn't blame the parents, the parents will blame the kids. Think about it; what did your parents blame you for? Did your parents ever tell you that they could have been poets, presidents, philosophers, singers, but they gave it all up to care for you? So now you're the reason they couldn't achieve their dreams? Never mind that they logged hours a day in front of the TV. And I'm sure there's more. We blame our children for so much. They are the reasons we divorce, the reasons we drink, the reasons we throw tantrums, the reasons we have to molest them and beat them. And what's worse, they are the meaning in our lives. Why go to a job you hate every day? To put your kid through school. When they are done with school? That's their problem. Then I'll retire to Florida where the weather's nice and watch TV some more, maybe play some golf.

All of this ethical framework defends you from doing one thing: what you want to do. What did you want to do when you were a child? Actually, most children are already so fearful that they won't even allow themselves to want to do something. So the question is, what did you dream of doing? And not just because your daddy did it. What did you dream about doing in your head where no one could see? It doesn't have to be just one thing. Was it to be a great leader? Was it to be a great singer? To write a great novel? To be a great actor? To hit the two out homer in the ninth to win it? To hit the big three at the buzzer?

I don't believe that any of us really dream of being janitors, actuaries, bankers. Not for a second. And when we “grow up”, we accept all this moral framework designed to keep us all in line. To keep us from valuing our dreams.

Consider the difference in our thought versus some other philosophies. In Buddhism, there is a saying, “If you see the Buddha, kill him.” What that means is, that Buddha taught the way of the world. Therefore, you should follow the way of the world. To follow a way because Buddha taught it is considered wrong. Contrast that with our Christian ideal that we should follow the bible. That God's word is not necessarily always apparent to us, and so we must have, “faith” and do what the church tells us. Consider how far behind the christians have left the sermon on the mount and how for centuries in the dark ages they would execute religious groups that went against their doctrine, and we see that Christianity is not about human happiness but order.

And that's what “growing up” is, submitting to order. Granted, many of us rationalize this by thinking that following the order must lead to happiness, no matter how we suffer for it. To step out of the order and pursue our dreams is a path fraught with fear. And if you never take that step, or become aware of the true reasons you accept this order, you are not alone. But the next time a young person tells you that the jobs is stealing their soul, think twice about what you really want to tell them.

07/11/2007 Stockholm Syndrome

07/11/2007 Stockholm Syndrome

It's funny how we must always try to understand things from the base of our own assumptions. Why would one who is kidnapped become attached to the kidnapper? Why would one who is taken hostage, beaten and raped repeatedly over a period of days or weeks, then become attached to the perpetrator, make no effort to escape, and then defend them when they are rescued?

Some have attributed this to an adaptation mechanism that humans would have to develop due to the historical frequency of one “tribe” or country invading another and killing, raping or enslaving them. Would those that are taken then face a life of utter misery? Would they kill themselves en masse? Or would they form an emotional attachment to those who took them rather than face a life alone?

I think that's more an explanation that preserves prior misconceptions than anything. While safety may be the main goal of much of human behavior, we must also see the danger in it as well. Look around you, you Americans; tell me what you see. Godlessness? Existential angst? Isn't that half the problem in our lives; that when people behave selfishly, God stays aloof? Too much safety means too little justice. If we are all safe, than the people who hurt us are also safe. Safety is a slow burn.

And we fantasize about being heros. We also fantasize about being raped. Some of us fantasize about being beaten as well, though I am not among them. For many girls, their greatest dream is to meet Prince Charming and be swept off their feet. Perhaps they don't mean it so literally... but the connotation is there. Is it there for a reason?

The kidnapped person who is isolated from society is free of social proof. The victim has a new ethical framework to work with. The kidnapper creates a new world and a system of justice which often results in brutal beatings if not followed. The kidnapper often provides sexual pleasure as well. What could be better? Once the victim decides to abandon his/her thinking from the previous system, our system, which likely didn't provide much pleasure or guidance, the victim is living a fantasy. For the first time, there really is a God, one with the power to impose justice. There really is a prince charming, one that has all the powers of a God and has risked everything to be with you. One who may love you more passionately than anyone who has loved you within the boundaries of “sanity”.

What's good enough for our kids is not good enough for us? Okay, so society can never sanction such relationships, though it might be what it truly takes to make us happy. But in a “free” society, can we not understand ourselves to be voluntary slaves? Going to jobs we hate for reasons we only come to accept for lack of other options? Do we exaggerate what might happen to us if we leave our jobs, or goof off? Are we finding ways of hurting each other within the limits of the law? Finding ways of victimizing ourselves, if not physically then with our own thoughts? Do we find obstacles to narrow our own options and try to find a path given to us, rather than forging our own? Isn't our dissatisfaction with our relationships tied to disappointment in our lovers? That they don't know how to make us feel something? That they don't give our lives meaning? And isn't our dissatisfaction with our presidents that they don't impose justice? And when we go to church, don't we hope against hope that there really is a God who, somewhere, sometime, will be as brutal with the evil-doers as we wish he would have been with us before we got away with all we did?

07/07/2007 Katrina My Love...

07/07/2007 Katrina My Love...

Just wondering; has anyone thought that perhaps Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for Mardi Gras? I mean, I know all you conservatives think that you're going to get locked up for saying what you think (their most calculated of complaints; one must give them credit for brilliantly using what artists call “negative space” to essentially lie about their opponents), but really. Didn't Reagan get away with saying that A.I.D.S. was God's punishment for gay men? If “everything happens for a reason”, then what exactly is the reason for Katrina? Now, granted, the guy in the White House hasn't said anything to that effect. But if he did believe it, I should point out, then he likely would have acted no differently.

Other than Christmas, Mardi Gras must be considered one of the greatest remaining popular pagan rituals. Not as popular as Christmas, but certainly a famous one. It should be remembered that the early Americans outlawed Christmas as feeding avarice. Their Christ's birthday was at a different time of year, to be celebrated by fasting. Try selling that to this crowd. Could it be the old rituals that we observed have some effect on today's obesity rates? We learn to get pleasure from foods today, and the latest products, even from our politics. Once upon a time, we got pleasure from self-denial. That's missing from our lives today, no? In fact, it's considered downright exotic, if not insane.

As liberals put out protest albums and try to convince us that they have values, we see the role pleasure plays in our public discourse. As the news degenerates into a battle of who can tell us we're right, the religious groups and movie makers have each chosen their side. On the right, we have the Heritage Foundation, Big Oil, and/or A whole Group of large corporations that would see a vow of poverty as being on the same level of wisdom as thinking the earth is flat. So where once a great Jewish prophet told us to turn the other cheek, today's “christians” tell us that the richest country in the world is so because of their values, that they are the chosen ones and that we need to kill the dark-skinned heathens before they kill us. Meanwhile, the turn the other cheek idea is being peddled by celebrities who go on television shows and slobber over themselves before getting into their limos and going off to their mansions or private beaches.

With self-denial gone from the equation and business firmly in the positive ethical space as far as exploiting pleasure for their own gain, we see the political arena and religious institutions becoming businesses. With our religions supporting politicians that turn a blind eye to the poor, who reduce standards on emissions that cause deadly smog that kills the old and the weak, that advocates guns, and that wages war, they contradict the spirit of their own dogma. What is their focus? Gay sex. Abortions. Look in the media; how much of the commentary on incestuous relationships come from conservative commentators and religious advocates? From them we hear of the dangers of having sex with the same sex, how it's the same as marrying your sister. How gay people are bringing about the apocalypse, how they want to teach their kind of sex to children, how teenage girls are using abortion as birth control. And when I remind you that words put images into your mind as effectively as television, then you'll see why our churches are our new houses of pornography. Factor in the physical pleasure one feels when one is told that they are right, and you'll see what I mean when I say that hollywood and the religious right worship at the same “alter.”

Towns and cities that are trying to get restaurants to put the calories next to the menu items might want to consider requiring themselves to take the words, “Democrat” and “Republican” off their ballots. How else to make room for truth that goes unfunded? If someone wanted to tell us to “turn the other cheek”, to preach self-denial as a means of achieving happiness and to treat all beings with compassion, who would fund it?

7/07/2007 My Little World View Of Your Mind

7/07/2007 My Little World View Of Your Mind

We often see it in old television shows and movies: the ability to read minds. It always ends up disastrous, doesn't it? I guess the writers don't think that, “we can handle the truth.” They're probably right. As far as reading minds, I have always felt that reading mine (generally a skill we all feel we already have, but we don't. Or not to the degree we think, anyway) was the same as reading yours, as monstrous as some of you who may read my blog may think that is. Many of us learn too much for our own good about the way our minds work, and furthermore can read body language to the degree that we can guess pretty well what others are thinking. But a truly open society remains the stuff of fiction, literally.

On Friday I am thinking of this as I came home late. I went to my supermarket and got some stuff. The other girl I had kind of a crush on wasn't there. I hadn't seen her in a while. She used to be there all the time. She was there late, on weekends. I noticed her in particular because while there are lots of cute teenage girls about, she in particular has a sense of the aesthetic in the way she dresses and does her hair that put her above most. But she was gone.

After that I went down the street a bit to buy some printer carts and there she was at the cash register. At first, when I saw her, it took me a second to recognize her. After staring for a moment and then realizing that she was looking right back at me, I looked away. She was looking back at me angrily. I didn't know why. I was all business. I went to the counter and as she scanned in the items there was an error buzz, followed by an exasperated exhale. I couldn't help but laugh a little. Okay, so I wasn't the reason she was mad.

I still left the store feeling empty. I wanted to say something to her. Not anything sexual, but I wanted to say hi. I recognized her and I know her name. But I felt like I couldn't say anything to her. I felt like a dirty old man. Why? Because I am a dirty old man. I want to make love to this girl, and a good many of my masturbation sessions have featured her in my thoughts; me making love to her, or another girl doing her with a strap-on. How do I look this girl in the eye?

Will we ever get to a point where we can be honest with each other? Will I ever be able to just say to a girl like this, “I'm going to miss seeing you because you're so pretty and I always hope you're there”? That reminds me of the movie, “Hitch”, when Hitch says, “Guys have to learn this stuff because it's not enough for you to just say, 'I like you.'” Of course, romantic performance is subject to the laws of supply and demand. Just letting our feelings be known is a matter of unburdening ourselves, often at the expense of another. But will we ever want honesty from one another? Is our ethical system always so favoring defense that I will never be able to tell her she's pretty without fear of being judged?

Of course, it's the same fear that keeps me from saying it in the first place that would move her to judge me. And her judgments would likely be correct. Again, what hurts more than the truth? So now let's take it a step further. What if we could read each other's mind?

That's a more complex idea than the Twilight Zone ever conceived. Hearing words is not the same as reading one's mind. The mind consists of a full imagination. To read someone's mind is to hear their words, see the images in their mind, hear the sounds and the words, know the emotions attached to these images and sounds, and the memories that put them into the context you have them. It also means understanding the paradigms, the conclusions, the influences in arts, religion and family, and genetic influences that might cause much of this. It is likely that the mind of a complex person would be unreadable to a rube. It also may mean different cultures might be unreadable to one another. And does it mean that we'd be offended? Oh boy! You bet!

If this girl could have read my mind, she would immediately have seen my pathetic life in total. She also would have seen no remorse on my part. She would have seen that day in December when she was my cashier and she finished by wishing me a happy new year, and I had to fight the urge to kiss her. She would see the image of her co-worker fucking her, and the profound arousal that caused me. She would see my preference for women with dark hair and dark skin. I think she'd be grossed out.

But the question I would ask is, wouldn't we adjust in time? After all the offense taken and fear, wouldn't we be somewhat desensitized to it? And then we would never have to worry about being lied to. There are positive things in what we think as well; positive thoughts we hide. If she could read my mind, she'd know that the reason I didn't say any of this in the first place is that I'd rather take a knife to the abdomen than to do something to hurt her. She'd see that despite all this ludicrous thought and desire, that there is absolutely nothing to fear from me. She'd see that I think she's beautiful and would do anything appropriate to help her in any pursuit she chose to make her happy. She'd also see that anyone who tried to hurt her better not try when I'm around. None of this would make her want to marry me, but it might comfort her somewhat. She may even welcome my presence.

And as time went on, we would adjust to knowing each other's thoughts, and know each other better as a result. But for now, it would have been nice to say hello, to get some recognition. I'm afraid that there will always be a lot of lonely people in the world as it is. The saying goes, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”. Nope. We have to fear others who are also afraid; and that, is a legitimate fear.

07/04/2007 Dieting

07/04/2007 Dieting

I have read about 100 books on dieting and nutrition. A few observations:

• never try to clear things up with “facts”, we are ignorant about what happens in the body when we eat and exercise. There are no facts, everyone with a conclusion has a different set of facts supporting it.

• Never trust anyone who says dieting doesn't have to be painful. It is a tremendous act of will power, and only by respecting that will you be successful in dieting.

• Number of people who have a workout routine and followed it consistently for the last six months: 8%.

• Everyone is always on a diet, but people normally follow a diet for a few weeks or months and then gain back everything they lost and then some. When you see people walk down the street, there's about a 90% chance that whatever way they are is the way they are because of genetics. Few of us have the will to deny our hunger and contradict our genetics.

• The obesity epidemic is not going away until there is some form of government intervention. I'm not just talking about supermarket checkout shelves or McDonald's, I'm talking about the government requiring workout breaks instead of coffee breaks, and requiring employers to provide gym memberships instead of insurance. George W. Bush's plan to separate health insurance from employment was a step in the right direction and should not be ignored.

• Diet Soda has outsold regular sodas for two years running. Despite this, 80% of the options I see are regular sodas. There are sugar free chocolate bars out there, but they are never on the shelves at the checkout line and they are consistently sold in a different section from the rest of the candy. Diet foods that replace regular foods are in demand, but the supply is lagging. If anyone out there believes that the food companies passively provide that which people want to buy, they are terribly naive.

• The transfat bans are proving to be a tremendous success. I hope someone somewhere preserves these articles I have been reading in conservative publications that indicate that not only will the price of food go up because of the transfat ban, but the food will taste so much worse that people might even leave the town, city or state to get the transfatty food. That, of course, is ridiculous and someone needs to hold these people, who are obviously writing on behalf of food companies, responsible.

07/03/2007 Why We Learn More From Fiction Than From History

07/03/2007 Why We Learn More From Fiction Than From History

Re-reading “A Natural History Of Rape” got me thinking about evolution, Evolutionary Psychology and how limited we are. After all, if all we ever do is explain what has happened, it will yield only partial knowledge about that which could happen. Which is the larger category? Our History tells us of that part of the human experience that we have decided to record. But that which is possible is limited only by our imaginations.

The whole idea of recording events, and learning from them, was a humanist idea. This was the culture of the greeks, hundreds or even thousands of years prior to the birth of Christ. (I often wonder that if Christ realized what he was starting, would he have chosen not to start it at all.)

Prior to the Greeks, the idea of recording history was not really an option. And many cultures, of the era and of subsequent eras, opposed the option. These cultures had stories that orally communicated the wisdom that their societies were built upon; actual history was often a threat to that. As Christianity took over Europe, the tide turned and many of the humanist values were regarded as selfish and deemed to be against the word of God. The one true source of wisdom was to be God, and God would only speak through the church. Many of the humanist's texts and ideas were only preserved in secret, by priests who were educated and willing to risk death to preserve them. But the seeds of the return of this humanist value began in the heart of the dark ages by Saint Augustine.

Saint Augustine's philosophies were somewhat of a double-edged sword when viewed through our modern lenses. He was the one who decided that women were passive by nature, where men were dominant. But he also decided that God's word is written into our History. The humanist's vision was coming back through the church itself.

But while this was a landmark occasion for those who love history, it might have been the end of the humanist's vision of a history recorded objectively and then analyzed rationally. The church now has numerous organizations whose purpose is to “spin” history so that it's lessons match their faith. History would then become a political toy. Written and rewritten to match the visions of whomever took power, or a pen (or a blog).

In our country, nothing demonstrates this effect as well as the civil war. During the war, Lincoln reminded us again and again that the first Civil War was not about slavery, but the preservation of the union. The South was largely agricultural, in the vision of Thomas Jefferson, where the north was industrial in the vision of Alexander Hamilton. Many of the senators who debated the slavery issue were open about the fact that they were not so much concerned about slavery as the fact that the South was “winning”, that their vision of an industrial America was falling because of slavery. Lincoln himself was racist, based on his own policies. While he did believe that slavery was wrong, he also believed that the Africans were inferior beings and could never hope to prosper in a country with their more civilized, more capable white counterparts. And he said so often. Had he not been assassinated, he would have signed a bill that would have sent all of the slaves back to Africa.

But years later, when these facts crept into history books, people were outraged. Even those that were old enough to have lived through the period and knew what the books were saying was true were outraged. The history books were rewritten. And to this day, many of the racist statements in Lincoln's speeches are omitted so as not to stir up controversy. The tradition of manipulating history continued in the political arena in 2000, as the successful subversion of democracy was punctuated by the supreme court's order to have the ballots destroyed. (So many people at the time just wanted the issue to go away. Al Gore was the only one who had the resources (6 billion dollars in his coffers from the election) and the motivation to fight the injustice. The people were jaded, as they always are, and I feel that Gore feared that he would look selfish if he fought the decision. But the finger was pointing at him to be the one man who could restore democracy to America and he bitched out. Yes, it would have been the wrong move politically for Gore, but that's the only time it counts. Anyone who has read Gore's report on terrorism, prepared as vice-president for Clinton and subsequently shelved by “W”, knows that Bush's appointment by the aristocracy led directly to 9-11)

Remember, one of the chief motivations of human nature is fear. Once the idea of learning from History became widespread, people had to start using it to try to control their environment. Fiction is not entirely immune to factions of control, but much of it is.

In the realm of the imagination, one can explain not only what is, but what could be. Because many of us now understand that science, history, and fiction are all just functions of the imagination. When we find the limits of nature, we only find the limits of our own minds. And if we can learn to use our minds to study itself, then we cannot accept the limits of that small part that we label objective reality; though, that, in the end, might be the safest place for us.

07/03/2007 A Day In The Life Of A 36 Year Old Virgin

07/03/2007 A Day In The Life Of A 36 Year Old Virgin

So I guess you might wonder what that would be like. Here it is...

I get up in the morning, usually late. Today was late as well. My boss lets me come in whenever I want, though lately I've been feeling like he doesn't like it. Anyway, when I had positional vertigo recently, I decided to get as much sleep as I could. That, combined with the fact that I am genetically unable to fall asleep before midnight results in waking up and 8-9 O'clock or so. While the vertigo is no longer a problem, I am still doing it as I have discovered the benefits of getting 8 hours sleep. I used to get up at 5-6AM no matter what, but that might be hard to go back to.

I always feel better if I shower in the morning. I almost have to now as my hair is long and it dies if I don't take care of it. I have been dressing a little better recently and I feel good about that. But in the shower my drain is slow and I need to put draino in about every two months or so. This morning the water was building up. The water system in my building sucks.

I have a shampoo and conditioner that uses organic ingredients. The shampoo is expensive, but very efficient and I only have to wash once. I have an anti-acne soap I use for my body, and an exfoliating cloth I use for my back. I used to have a lot of acne on my back; now I have a lot of scars. But I look a lot better than I used to in terms of acne.

This weekend I was thinking how I miss the ride into work. I have about a 45 minute to an hour and a half ride in. That used to bother me, but now it seems to be good for me. It forces me to spend some alone time before the day starts, and doing so without browsing the Internet or masturbating. I have begun to listen to audiobooks on the way, and I've listened to Anthony Robbins, Winning Friends and Influencing People, The DaVinci Code, and others. That might be my favorite time of the day.

I used to despise work. When I was younger I wanted to be an artist. I did a month at art school, but dropped out to become a writer, and to continue my painting on my own. I'll write more about the job in another post. Suffice to say that my father got me my first real job. I always felt guilty about that, and coupled with my personal feelings towards him, taking that job was a recipe for disaster. But when he was out of the picture, I felt a lot better. I felt like I had accomplished a lot despite my hating the job and suffering from depression since I was 14 or so. When I moved on to another job in the same field, I felt I had established my own identity. I am somewhat addicted to work now. Here's a place that I can go and get recognition. It's a place I can learn and even innovate. This line of work has never really been in line with my goals and values, but I must admit I get pleasure doing it.

I don't really speak to anyone at work. I often just run machines and sometimes I get to read or write for extended lengths of time. Sometimes I write blogposts at work. The work itself is challenging, and as my expertise grows, I hope to rewrite the procedures here and revolutionize the industry. But that might be years away.

Recently I finished a part that I had been working for a long time. That always feels good. I got three new assignments today, and I got through the first one fast. The second will likely be done today, way ahead of schedule. The third is the most challenging, and I have made a schedule for it that has me finishing in a month or so. That would be a record for me. I also have a plan to quantify the elements of the technique so that I can create an equation that will assist in decision making and fix the procedures so that the parts get done in record times consistently. It will take time, but it will happen.

I came home and I needed to get something to eat and do a little shopping. I went to the market. I didn't recognize any of the girls there. I hate that. When summer comes, a lot of girls quit and move onto something else. That's good for them but I miss seeing them. There's a girl named Christina at this place who is absolutely the most beautiful girl in I've ever seen. I know guys always think the women around them are hotter than the ones they see in movies or in porn. But this girl should definitely be in pictures, as they used to say. She is half Caitlin Wachs, half Amanda Peet, and more beautiful than either. I am amazed whenever I see her. I'm going to miss her when she goes.

Among the more earthbound, there are other girls that used to be there that aren't anymore. One's name is too uncommon for me to write. She had a sort of nerdy look, like Tina Fey. I really thought she was hot, and she had one of the greatest asses I've ever seen. She also had a childish way of skipping around, though, which reminded me of the fact that I am too old for her and made me depressed.

Anyway, that's the biggest thing about my shopping experience. I bought some strawberries for breakfast tomorrow (as part of my diet I only buy enough to eat in one day, so there's nothing extra to pick on). I love the look and smell of strawberries more than the taste. Then I went to a Chinese buffet. I was disappointed this morning to have gained a half pound. That's despite the fact that I only had a donut (Less than usual) for breakfast and then a health shake for lunch. But I guess if you have a donut, you can't complain.

When I got home I watched a baseball game, for about ten minutes before being bored almost to death. Then I watched “The Inferno” on MTV and wondered quite seriously if I was in love with E.V. I cleaned my condo a lot this Sunday but you still have to trudge through. Maybe I'll get a chance to clean on the 4th.

I decided not to go on the internet and try to get a good night's sleep. I am older, 36, but I still have a lot of options. Most guys my age are fathers and they see their options as drying up. But I have a lot. Laying in bed, I considered whether or not to start a sports blog, or a book blog, or a movie blog. I thought about starting a support group for people with Social Anxiety, and I thought about how to go about putting up a website that I have been formulating in my head. I thought about making my next audiobook a learn to sing CD, so I can sing the songs I am writing, and where my novel is going to go next, and where to post it when it is done. I thought about what my next workout routine will be, as the one I had seems to be beyond me now, as my triceps seem to be overworked and give me pain whenever I do my dips. I need to start running, and I can feel my heart pounding hard as I am laying there. Cardio is necessary. I have ordered a kettlebell, but have yet to devote time to learning to use it. That is my likely next move.

I had been thinking about the women from the group I was in, I referred to her as Sarah in a previous post. I masturbated over her, but the orgasm wasn't especially satisfying. My mind has been wandering to a lot of different girls. I probably should have thought of Vanessa Hudgens when I came, that would have made me hotter. I was thinking about Cheyenne Kimball as well. But when I bought the DVD of her MTV show a while back, I ended up more interested in her Mom. That was weird. But her mom just flat out has a hot ass, and I think about her sometimes. I kept thinking of these girl's breath. When I was done I was tired and I think I fell asleep before midnight. That was good. I become aware that I tend to hug my pillow in my sleep.

07/01/2007 On The Subject Of Visits...

07/01/2007 On The Subject Of Visits...

I get a steady stream of visitors. So far, about a hundred a month. But most of you never come back, or if you do, I can't tell. I figured that the thoughts of a 36 year old virgin would hold some novelty for people, but they don't come back for it. Oh, well, much of the blog is rather off-putting, certainly not for everyone. And that's the intent. But...

Like I said, people keep clicking on the rape fantasy page, but they don't spend a lot of time on it. “The Love At First Sight, Finally Some Answers” gets a lot of attention, which is cool. But of course, every time I mention something that people search for, like “Liz-a-beth Smar-rt” (misspelled to avoid search engines) and Confessions Of A Mmaker, I get some hits from search engines. I hate that: what about dialogue? There are a lot of smart bloggers out there getting few hits, and a lot of bloggers who don't offer much in the way of creativity or advanced knowledge getting famous. The Internet and blogosphere are good things in that they give a way for people to express ideas and opinions beyond the concerns of politicians and powerful corporate interests that the media must normally appease if they are to survive. But must all blogs provide content that people are already looking for rather than content that gives them something they don't expect? Isn't that the two Americas initiative? Everyone has their own moral world, everyone only listening to those that tell them that they are right about everything they are getting wrong?

How do you challenge people who aren't looking to be challenged? How do we change the world if no one wants to hear about anything accept iphones? Or how the politics that they have had since they were young are the right ones and everyone else is wrong? How do you make things right when people like being wrong?

07/01/2007 The Pervert Within... Use Your Imagination.

07/01/2007 The Pervert Within... Use Your Imagination.

Since I've been away my rape fantasy page is doing rather well, isn't it? It's quickly become my most viewed page. I wonder why?

I said before that rape is the ultimate expression of our learned gender roles: the submissive female and the aggressive male. Though females obviously don't want to be raped, they certainly are not above imposing those roles on men via mate selection process and general criticism. Of course, most of the men I know would like to impose those roles on women as well. Most men who I have spoken to without women around indicate that they think women belong in their traditional role in the kitchen and such.

That said, tell me something. I mean, no one thinks it's right to rape, right? But if you could be there, without guilt... I mean, suppose that you could be there to witness a rape. Suppose it is a rape that has happened in the past, one that you can't do anything about. It has already happened. But suppose someone with the power could make you a ghost at this rape. Just there to witness. Suppose furthermore that this was the rape of a very beautiful women by a “manly man.” Suppose even further that during the course of this rape, the women becomes aroused and has an orgasm. Would you be there? Wouldn't you love to be there? Or even worse, if you could put yourself in the place of either of the participants, just for the time being, would you?

This is a civilized society and none of us want to know that we would enjoy sex specifically because the women didn't want to participate. But we do. What does that say about us? Perhaps that we all have evil in us. If evil weren't pleasurable, no one would do it. And because we all have imaginations, we all have evil in us. And if you don't have evil, that likely means that you lack imagination.

6/28/2007 Desertion

6/28/2007 Desertion

Had trouble at work. I needed to bring my car in again. The guy at the shop says it's gonna take a few hours to fix. I can't justify waiting for that one, so I had to ask someone at work for a ride. I was very nervous about it. I never speak to these guys, and here I am asking them for shit.

Anyway, I asked one guy and he said he has a doctor's appt. Then I asked another guy and he said ok. I am still nervous that he won't show or that the shop will call me at work at like 8:00PM and say they can't fix it until tomorrow. But that's all negative thinking.

Later, now. The guy who promised me a ride didn't show. Just what I was afraid of. I am better off taking a cab. He came back later and gave me a ride to pick the car up, though.

My mind continues to clear. I feel good for the first time in a long time. I am not tired and not dizzy. The ringing in my ears is gone. I don't get it. But I need to do good things with this. It may not last long. Is it possible to have a tumor, then not have a tumor?

I feel creative...

6/27/2007 Rape And Orgasm

6/27/2007 Rape And Orgasm

After reading on the issue, I have to say no one really understands rape or why we do it. But I'll say this: Rape fantasies are common among both men and women.

That says something right there, that women, who are often terrified of being raped and equate it with torture or murder, fantasize about being raped. Why would that be? The popular answer is that it takes responsibility away. They can submit without being “slutty”. But if this is true, than why does the same dynamic not apply to real-life rape? We mostly, (in this society, anyway), agree that women are not responsible for controlling the actions of men. Apart from the ignorance of a court that acquitted four gang rapists because the victim wasn't wearing any underwear, most of us do not hold a rape victim responsible for being raped. Yet, women who are raped often feel responsible for the rape, and experience significant feelings of distress. So why fantasize about it?

Controversy

I have had many people tell me that if a woman orgasms during rape, that means it's not rape. Two of these people were women. Ignorance about rape abounds and I will go into that later. Lack of understanding of the issue does not prohibit people from having strong opinions, and this causes me to believe that any expose on my part is both pointless and banal.

But suffice to say that if the women orgasms during the rape, that doesn't mean it's not rape. In fact, the emotional distress that victims feel has an inverse ratio to the amount of violence the victim incurred. What I am saying is that when a women is badly beaten during a rape, she is tends to feel less distress than otherwise. Furthermore, studies indicate that women who orgasm during rape then have more trouble dealing with the rape than others. This indicates to me that women see rape itself, more so than physical pain or loss of control, as being the real transgression. Evolutionary Psychologists theorize that this may be because a man never really can know if his mates' offspring belongs to him. That explains the brutal attitudes that societies of the past had towards rape victims and perhaps the instinctive reaction that women have that being raped reduces their “value” as a mate. I will further address Evolutionary Psychologies' view of rape later. For now...

The Rape Orgasm

Most of us realize it happens, but there is some confusion as to why. The idea of females being submissive by nature has it's roots in the middle ages, with the Christian thought of the time. Subsequently, the view got some affirmation by scientific studies. For a lot of people, the act of being raped is the ultimate act of submission. And men are supposed to be aggressive, dominant. The act of raping, therefore, must be the ultimate in masculine behavior. So it makes sense, right? By raping a women, the man proves his own sexual worth. By giving in, the women proves hers. The women may be troubled by the loss of her autonomy, but she cannot deny that she is in the ultimate sexual situation. She cannot help but be aroused by such a manly act, and while she may later regret it, for now she submits to the overwhelming pleasure. All that is crap, of course, but that is likely the mental framework of rape fantasy in many of our minds.

In one study, upon being shown visual depictions of rape situations, a minority of males and females said that they found the depictions to be erotic. But when the female was shown to have an orgasm, a majority of men and women said they found it erotic. The orgasm means everything. Indeed, I myself have scoured the Internet to find videos featuring rape resulting in orgasm. Unfortunately, most of the videos I find do not contain female orgasms. Could be an untapped market. Many may rationalize by saying that people figure it was really consensual if the women orgasms. But there is no way around this: people want to see a women raped and have an orgasm from being raped. Only guilt stops us from doing more about this.

So do women really orgasm during rape? There is much secrecy surrounding rape, it seldom happens in view of the public. Victims are afraid to talk. So the question is, is all of that male-female role-playing that leads us to fantasize coming into play during the rape? How many victims orgasm during rape? I try not to site too many sources, so this doesn't become some scholarly dullfest. But this one I feel necessary. From the book, “A Natural History Of Rape”, by Thornhill and Palmer:

“ Human rape victims rarely show much sexual arousal and almost never achieve orgasm.”

Pretty simple. Sorry fantasizer. But wait...

Not Exactly John Edward's Two Americas

Much information is gleaned on the act of rape from studying convicted criminals. But what of the rapists who benefit from the secrecy caused by the shame of rape? How to discover their motives?

“A Natural History Of Rape” gives an account of men's own reports of rapes. The questions were asked as part of a study of sexual habits of a certain type of man. It has been discovered that female orgasm during intercourse is tied in to the body symmetry of their mate. So one study found that men who report histories of high numbers of sexual partners also report high instances of rape. There is a correlation between men having the body symmetry I mentioned and abusive behavior towards women, and also lack of committed relationships. Despite the previous statement that rape victims rarely display signs of arousal during rape, these men give accounts of rape that include, “significant amounts of female arousal, including orgasm.” So it is possible that many of the rapes that include orgasms are not reported and furthermore are being perpetrated by the same small percentage of men.

This, to me, explains why women would fantasize about rape. Most female rape fantasies in romance novels and such involve “manly men”, no doubt conjuring images of these symmetrical men. Evidence I have mentioned in previous posts indicate that women often “flag” such men for short term relationships, so the rape aspect does take away some responsibility and it is likely that keeping such a rape a secret reduces the pain of it to a degree.

I would think that though many rape victims are quite old, rape is, in a way, an attempt at social climbing in terms of genetics for both men and women.

So I wonder, what are we really fantasizing about? I mean, I am absent, even today, from most of my own rape fantasies. Add to that the theory that we all have memories of our entire lives locked away in our minds. In fact, the theory goes, that we all have our own memories plus the memories of our ancestors locked away in our heads. If that is true, then we all have memories of a time when rape was common. In situations of warfare, rape was often encouraged and sanctioned. In some pagan rituals, rape was rampant. When I fantasize about rape, is it my own I am fantasizing about? Or a distant past I cannot recall?

Furthermore, how does the genetics of the rapist effect all of this? I mean, suppose that we are in a war situation. Ten soldiers go up to a hut in which five women or girls live. The ten soldiers then take turns raping the females. Supposing that every soldier completes the rape of every one of the women once, and that all five females become pregnant as a result of the rape. I would propose that four of the five women would have become pregnant by one of the ten soldiers, the most fertile. I would also guess that this one soldier was one of the men who had the body symmetry that women prefer. So it follows that while nine of the ten men will rape the women without causing anything but pain, the one man may be able to bring about arousal and orgasm. It could be this situation that arouses me. Because women are not sexually attracted to most men, it may follow that in the past this would be an opportunity for reproduction. The female's orgasm would be particularly arousing because it would signal her arousal, which I could not have brought about myself in such a situation but would be unlikely to go away were I to “follow up” the symmetrical guy.

I would mention also that the Evolutionary Psychological idea of rape is that men will see it as a betrayal because it keeps them from knowing if the offspring they invest in is their own. But when I fantasize about rape, or read a story about rape written by a female who appears to be relating a real life (or close to real life) story, I do not feel anger or betrayal at all. In fact, it's the opposite. What I feel for that women goes beyond mere sympathy. I feel like she is more beautiful. I feel like she is more of a women. And I feel like having sex with her would be an amazing experience, and i feel all sorts of affection and desire come out of me; and I even feel feelings of commitment. I feel like her value to me is higher for having orgasmed during rape, not the opposite. And prior to my own fantasy, I never have seen a movie or heard anything that indicated that a women would orgasm during rape. I had little or no encouragement to rape.

Two Americas. One set of males that females come for, one that females don't. Funny, the same God who brought us the concept of universal justice and gave us a sense of having all the same expectations also badly favored some of us over others when he made us.

Clearing Up A Few Misconceptions

When it comes to rape, the subject is so explosive and profound that we tend to believe whatever we can live with. So much of this is pointless to say, but here it is.

There are three levels of misconceptions about rape.

1. Level one is embodied by a study that came out a decade or so ago. They asked a bunch of 14 year old boys if a man had a right to rape a women after buying her dinner. 40% said yes. Level one is stupidity. First, boys don't get how painful rape is to women. And it's not something you can figure out logically. I mean, if you rape your soul-mate, wouldn't she not be your soul-mate anymore? If love is cosmic and mysterious, and women have intuitive access to it by things like kissing and sex, then doesn't that mean if you rape your soul-mate then she'll realize she's your soul-mate? What I'm saying is that justification for rape is more written into the way we see things then we know. A lot of these misconceptions come from simple logic.

2. Level Two is explained by the statement: Rape is not sex. Level two is politics. Just like men are not born with an understanding of the way female victims feel about being raped, feminists are the last people who know the motives of a rapist. And to say that men who rape are not motivated by sex is clearly politically motivated. Given that so many of us fantasize about rape, no one gives in to the temptation? All rapists have political agendas against you? 1/3 of men say that they would engage in rape if they were assured of not getting caught. Case closed.

   Some other misconceptions that spring from this; animals never rape each other. Wrong. All rapists are crazy and like to rape but don't like consensual sex. Wrong again. Most rape victims are above or below reproductive age. Wrong.

   Don't think that feminists are the only ones in this category. There are men's groups out there saying that rape does not exist. They believe that since a women's legs are stronger than a man's arms, this means in all rapes, the women have consented. The fallacy of such an argument is too apparent for me to address it here.

3. Level three is the searching for explanations stage. But in the end, we have yet to get past this one explanation: men want sex. And if men can't get what they want, they often take it.

Evolutionary Psychology

A few observations about their view of this subject. First of all, if it's logical that if men compete for the attentions of women in every aspect of society, then men are evolving faster than women. This would not apply to intelligence, as women probably have to evolve to be able to outsmart men, who are physically stronger. But it may apply to rape.

The book, “A Natural History Of Rape” sites statistics from the war in Rwanda, where rapes were widespread. The numbers indicated that one third of women who were raped became pregnant from the rapes. That's compared to one in nine copulations that result in pregnancy the acceptable way. That's hard to accept, but it seems that whatever evolutionary adaptations by women to avoid rape have been surpassed by men. It might also be that most of that 33% was by a very small percentage of the rapists.

No Conclusions

That's all. I am still not sure why these rape fantasies are so powerful for me, but I am past feeling bad about it. I would never rape someone because I am sure I'd get caught. Also, if I were to rape someone it would be about making her cum, and I doubt I am the symmetrical man. I may be able to accomplish it through other means, but it wouldn't pleasurable.

Rape remains the ultimate expression of our sexuality, and we'll keep fantasizing about it and arguing over the real thing. But there are those of us that do not have such traditional conceptions of their sexuality. My next dissertation will be about subversive relationships.

6/27/2007 Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

6/27/2007 Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

My head is strangely clear now, which is as confusing as anything. People seem to be treating me differently and I don't know why. I am gaining weight again. I am not binging at all or really overeating at all, but I am still gaining weight like a fiend. Whatever, I'm past getting pissed about it.

Yesterday, to try to get past the mental corner into which I have painted myself, I picked up my book of Zen. I always have liked Zen, and I think undertaking a meditation practice will help with my diet and help me to enjoy myself in a way that doesn't destroy me. The thing is, in order to lose weight, I have to eat significantly less than a moderate diet. But we'll see.

I really can't figure this out, I am thinking very clearly. I don't know how long it will last but I feel kinda normal and I think that sucks.