08/01/2007 The God We've Left Behind

08/01/2007 The God We've Left Behind

What is human happiness? I'm reading Forbes magazine and thinking about this issue. The conservatives in the financial sector see any attempts at limiting free trade or imposing standards on the “free” market as the work of Satan. So I ask; have we come to a point in society where economists now are the ones to show us the path to happiness?

In our schools, we wage war over whether or not to give our children a humanist education or a Christian one. Why have the humanists won? Could it be because corporate America needs engineers, researchers, “creative” accounting? And if the religious “right” get their way, they will be allowed to brainwash kids into believing that God's demands are primarily sexual. Human happiness is furthest from their minds. Who is fighting to teach our kids to be happy? Is happiness about chasing dollars? If there is happiness to be had in poverty, would any of us know it?

If we go to church, can we get a break on health insurance costs? Or if we practice yoga? Or if we have someone pray for us? Or if we have regular sex? Or if we masturbate? Or meditate? Health insurers will chip in for your gym membership, but how far does, “Preventative Care” go? If they reimburse us for leading a healthy life, why not for these things?

As conservatives in the financial sector wail about regulations and barriers to free trade, many of the people that vote the same way are swayed by the very same issues. The simple term, “populist” underestimates their beliefs and intelligence. Though they believe in a free America, they also believe in living a life based on family, hard work and not taking more than you need. In them, the Christian ideal finds it's last vestiges. Yet their so-called allies deride the idea, telling us that shipping jobs overseas leads to a better life for everyone. Measures of income, gross domestic product and standards of living prove it. But for people who don't want to spend all their energy and creativity developing new streams of income, things are more complex. The old standby of, “let them eat cake” has transmogrified into, “let them be entrepreneurs”, and few of those reading Forbes Magazine has their jobs going overseas.

It is a not a matter of process to look back and ask ourselves honestly, “Are we really better off with the progress we've made?”, but perhaps it should be. But as the Christians charge into Iraq, the humanists find new medicines, products and websites, and the capitalists find new ways of making money or losing their shirts, is there a place for someone to ask?

What would it look like if we built our society from the ground up based on what would make people happy, rather than economic factors? Well, what are the things that make us happy? Friends, family. A fulfilling job. Physical health.

So how strange would it be if therapy were part of the curriculum? For health, physical education would be a big part of the picture. Instead of being once or twice a week, it would be every day for at least an hour and a half. “Lunch” would be a class, we would learn good eating habits. Math and science would be limited. You need to know how to balance a checkbook, no more. Instead, networking classes and philosophy, theology. Worship and prayer would be involved, yoga, chanting, dance classes. And students would be encouraged to spend as much time pursuing their passions. Whether that means baseball, being president, or being a janitor.

And age would have nothing to do with it. The old idea that information should be free, all would be welcome in each class. Adults, parents, just people who want to know. Each school would come equipped with a large socializing area where the free exchange of ideas and information would be encouraged via shows, programs (Like Live talk Radio) and town meetings. Classes would be given at all times of day, adults would be expected to take classes rather than deciding that school is for kids. And kids would be allowed to get jobs.

Strange picture? A Brave New World. Such is the sound of trying to make things better. But it's always going to be human nature to play it safe, defend what we have. So human happiness will remain the stuff of fantasy, God a dream to be exploited.

08/02/2007 Those That Do Not Learn...

08/02/2007 Those That Do Not Learn...

From History are blah blah blah. But those who do are bound for the same destiny. Think about it; aren't we repeating history in Iraq? We tried this government-building in the 60s and 70s in Iran and Afghanistan; didn't work. It all depends, you see, on what you learn.

Let's take this to a personal level to de-politicize it. I once had a co-worker who told me that when she was younger she had a chance to go to Paris, but passed it up to be with her future husband. “If I knew then what I know now, I would have gone.” Months later, she announced that they were divorcing.

So let's take a look at this. This women felt that she had learned from her own history. But let's say things worked out differently. Let's say she had gone to Paris and left her husband behind. Would she always regret leaving behind the man that could have been the great love of her life? Would she forever blame any unhappiness on the selfish act of going to Paris and leaving love behind? If she had left this man behind, would she ever have learned that he wasn't really worth the sacrifice? In the realm of the unknown, anything is possible. To the romantic eye, that which comes from the unknown can only be perfect.

And in a pluralistic society, what is there to learn, when no truth is agreed upon? Neo-conservatives hail Bush's strength and moral certainty, liberals rail at his obliviousness, lack of knowledge. Democrats point to Vietnam, even as Republicans try to reinvent that war as a success. What do we learn? Russia has given up trying to make free enterprise and democracy work. Conservative economists wag fingers at Putin, why don't they learn from the United States? but Russia fires back; we have. They tried for over a decade to make democracy work, and it didn't. Putin is taking control of government? There was widespread corruption. What is the current President trying to do about corruption in this country? Trying to hide his own, and those of his cabinet. Putin is taking control of the press? Should he learn from us, where our press in slightly more costly than “free”? What are we learning from our obesity? From the crime rate, higher than most other rich countries? Tabbing oneself the world's role model is not much incentive to learn, is it?

In that context I would suggest that what is best for the country might be to re-elect the Republicans to power. Only if there is no one else to blame for a long time can we ever be expected to learn anything. Make no mistake, our President's policies are a repetition of the past. He is doing the same thing in Iraq that we tried to do in Iran. His economic policies are fashioned after Reagan. What did we feel that we had learned from “trickle down economics” when Clinton was elected? Here, we are cutting taxes again (though I find it unforgivable to raise taxes on the poor via the weakening of the earned income tax credit) and building up a debt. Isn't that what got his father sent home? If we are ever to learn our lesson about Reaganomics, we need to see this through. If the Democrats are in power after 2008, then the republicans will always claim that they would have made the necessary cuts to address the debt, blaming their problems on the democrats. Nothing will be learned. If the democrats pull out of Iraq and disaster ensues, as it almost certainly will, republicans will blame the democrats for the entire disaster. Nothing will be learned.

Two things have to happen in order for this country to learn from this time in history. First, it must be a republican who gives the order to pull out of Iraq. Second, it must be a republican who deals with the debt that the current president has created. As the debt continues to pile up, as the bills from the war on terror come in and the higher costs of health care push Medicaid and Medicare higher and higher, this is not going to be easy. The most important thing that could come out of the next election, which is approaching the Superbowl in entertainment value for the masses, is a solid idea of the direction we need to take in the country. It is imperative that the war on terror be sharply defined. What are we doing right, what are we doing wrong. What do we need more of, what effort can we save. With both sides finding their own new spin every day, it's hard; but events must not be allowed to be ambiguous.

08/01/2007 Just A Journal Post

08/01/2007 Just A Journal Post

Lately UM has been battling an increased lack of motivation which has him rethinking things. That's why I haven't been posting much. This weekend I spent Sunday pretty much sleeping. All that sleeping, one would think, would cause one to feel somewhat refreshed, but Monday was almost as bad, though I went to work. The Vertigo is pretty much gone, it's something else that has me down.

Monday at work I was tired all day and still when I got home. I am happy I resisted the urge to go to bed when I got home, which generally leads to bad things. I masturbated before I went to sleep, which I shouldn't do because it doesn't make me tired anymore, just hungry. I started thinking of the beautiful French singer Alizee, one of my favorite people on the planet. But I came for Miley Cyrus, who is just hitting her mid-teens and has become one of the hottest girls anywhere. If they ever invent a machine where you can live out your fantasies, I am gonna get so arrested.

While I had been doing better of late in motivating myself, this weekend I just crashed. I am in horrible shape and still gaining weight. I need fucking steroids. I don't overeat, but I still gain weight. I need to exercise, but I never do. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I need to change something. I used to say in therapy all the time, I need to rebuild myself from the ground up. But it's hard, I am not sure I can change anymore. It seems like when I am not exerting maximum willpower I default to unhealthy things. I need a change.

I am thinking of founding a community of people who would dedicate themselves to exercise and, perhaps, martial arts. That would be a way to motivate myself. Actually, studying people who successfully keep up a workout routine for a long period of time, usually they say that you just have to get used to doing things when you are not motivated. In a community, we could have people challenge each other, motivate each other, wake each other up. This would be a living community of people, we would do it for each other.

But I am always thinking things like that. I am always trying to outsmart myself. More and more as I get older I begin to think that we really can't deny our nature. Maybe the best thing I can do is eat when I feel like eating and enjoy it as much as possible. And if I die then, well, try to enjoy that, too.

08/01/2007 Why I Am Still A Virgin

08/01/2007 Why I Am Still A Virgin

Thinking back to the episode of “Confessions Of A Matchmaker” featuring the 41 year old virgin John, I am remembering that perhaps the most disturbing part of the episode was watching him trying to explain why he was a virgin. To be 41 years old and still not understand yourself, especially when the problem he has is so detrimental to his happiness, must be scary in a humanist society that loves to give the quote, “Know thyself.” Of course, that's the whole “Dr. Phil” paradigm, that we love to see people who are ignorant about themselves confronted with what we know about them.

And while it may be true to say that most of us don't know ourselves as well as we think, John's case is still particularly disturbing. For myself, I am approaching John's age with the same affliction as he; but I don't count myself with him in being ignorant as to why, though I'm sure none of us would unless we had to. To boot; while John was described as good-looking, I am not so much. One could look at me and easily see that my situation might not be self-inflicted. Though it largely is.

I have been trying to figure out how to write about this. Though I created this blog to record the things that I think and wouldn't say; I also don't want to blatantly give away my identity. I'm sure there are talented hackers out there that could find it out right now, but for most of us I would like to keep things anonymous. So I'll try here to write a blog post that gives some idea of how I got to be a 36 year old virgin without giving away too many personal details.

About my past, I will be brief. I spent the first years of my life living as the only child on the street. No friends. Once a week my mother would bring me a few streets over to play with another child. But I was mostly alone.

My father, as I have said, had a bad temper. I was mostly kept away from him. When I was very young, his tantrums were sometimes quite violent. My mother would take me and escape. But she would come back. The interplay between my father and my mother would play a role in my own development. First, with my father being angry a lot of the time, I learned quickly to stay out of sight as much as possible. Second, whenever my father became angry, my family would become silent and give in to whatever demands he made so as not to make it worse. This continued into my teenage years, even as his tantrums diminished in severity. I was disgusted at this and resented my whole family; my mother for being too weak to fight back, my father for selfishly inflicting pain on us to serve his own emotional needs. While I was very young, I made a decision never to be like him. To this day, I cannot shake the feeling that I am being selfish when I am approaching someone. I see women as tolerating my presence, even fearful of me. I approach people easily if I feel I have something to offer them, like advice. But other than that, I keep away.

Like the guy said in the “40 Year Old Virgin”, “I respect women so much I stay away from them.” When I am out and see a beautiful women, I avert my eyes and feel like i am being civilized, doing her a favor. The problems with this way of thinking are two: first, it keeps me from ever telling anyone I am interested. Second, it's partially true. While most men are at least a little attracted to all women, this is not true of women. While men are better able to overcome their appearance than women, it's true to say I have something to overcome. Hitch might have been right in the movie when he said, “No women is getting up this morning and saying, `I hope someone doesn't sweep me off my feet today.'” But the harsh reality is that it is not me they have in mind when they think of who's going to sweep them off their feet. Girls don't kiss frogs. What would your intuition say about a frog? We are all full of fear when we approach people, and we think we are being judged. While we bay choose to comfort ourselves by saying that we are not, it's not so. We are. Women, by and large, prefer it if I move on, communicating only politely and on a superficial level.

That said, I certainly think I could find someone. Both my therapists and the PUA guys I have read (I think Mystery Method sounded best) have said that I should change my perceptions from asking what the other person thinks of me to asking what I want from the other person and how to get it. But that goes against my nature to a large extent. It's hard to control your thoughts.

And this is all the kind of analysis I often get bogged down in. Why don't I just go out and meet someone? So what if I get rejected a hundred times? Once I find someone, my life gets better, right? Am I afraid of rejection? Both of my therapists say yes. But I don't know. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of going out alone. I have no friends to go with. I'm afraid because I've never been in a singles bar. I don't even drink and wouldn't know what to order. And I see all of this as lowering my value as a man. How can a man take charge of a date if he doesn't know where to go next? Doesn't know his surroundings? And, yes, I am afraid of being rejected. But it's not the first thing on the list. And worse, I can't imagine myself not being rejected. I reject myself, so why wouldn't a women reject me?

I have tried online personals, didn't happen for me. I sent out a lot of emails and got no response. I've said it before, I think online personals are a rip-off for men. Women browse the torrents of emails they receive with the same jaded eye they would Karaoke singers or wallpaper. In a sense, it is a return to a more primitive time. Once primitive peoples used to have mating rituals in which the men or women would woo their potential mates with a mating dance. Now the men woo the women with words in an email, sometimes before they even know what the women looks like. And while many on either side of the gender line would say that this conflicts with our humanist idea that the best man for the job should get the job, none of us really can stop.

But that view is likely a much because of my own failure as anything. I kept a profile for more than a year, sent out many emails. On Match.com I got absolutely nothing, my profile might as well have been disabled. On yahoo I did a bit better, three responses that went nowhere. A few of the women I emailed actually appeared to ban me as they disappeared right after I emailed them, which seems particularly nasty, but there it is.

So I've tried. But it's hard. The first day I had my profile up on match.com, I didn't sleep that night. I had no idea the silence that was about to hit me. Composing emails is an excruciating experience. I am greatly stressed as I compose and normally the ads I read give me little to comment on. The inevitability of rejection makes the whole thing seem pointless, and as I browse the ads that say to me over and over again that they are looking for a guy with confidence, a sense of humor, someone who knows what he wants, someone thin, it becomes even more obvious that most of them are trying to filter me out. That's precisely the kind of negative thought that many would say is a self-fulfilling prophesy. But it's not. I didn't think myself fat. Confidence may be something you can fake, and faking successfully then leads to sincere confidence, it's difficult to approach women knowing you have to pretend to be what they want.

It's past a point now where I am even planning to do anything about it. I have been planning all my life and I'm not sure I even care anymore. While I am sure that I want love in my life, I am not sure I am willing to do what it takes to get it. For all the reasons I mentioned, and the obvious reason that I am humiliated by the fact that I am destined to fumble like a teenager in romantic situations and sexual ones, this is all harder for me than for most, though it's hard for all. There is no question in my mind that I can also be happy alone. Maybe that's what's best for me. I should probably concentrate on doing the things that bring me pleasure and just trying to be honest with people rather than going for love.