08/01/2007 Why I Am Still A Virgin

08/01/2007 Why I Am Still A Virgin

Thinking back to the episode of “Confessions Of A Matchmaker” featuring the 41 year old virgin John, I am remembering that perhaps the most disturbing part of the episode was watching him trying to explain why he was a virgin. To be 41 years old and still not understand yourself, especially when the problem he has is so detrimental to his happiness, must be scary in a humanist society that loves to give the quote, “Know thyself.” Of course, that's the whole “Dr. Phil” paradigm, that we love to see people who are ignorant about themselves confronted with what we know about them.

And while it may be true to say that most of us don't know ourselves as well as we think, John's case is still particularly disturbing. For myself, I am approaching John's age with the same affliction as he; but I don't count myself with him in being ignorant as to why, though I'm sure none of us would unless we had to. To boot; while John was described as good-looking, I am not so much. One could look at me and easily see that my situation might not be self-inflicted. Though it largely is.

I have been trying to figure out how to write about this. Though I created this blog to record the things that I think and wouldn't say; I also don't want to blatantly give away my identity. I'm sure there are talented hackers out there that could find it out right now, but for most of us I would like to keep things anonymous. So I'll try here to write a blog post that gives some idea of how I got to be a 36 year old virgin without giving away too many personal details.

About my past, I will be brief. I spent the first years of my life living as the only child on the street. No friends. Once a week my mother would bring me a few streets over to play with another child. But I was mostly alone.

My father, as I have said, had a bad temper. I was mostly kept away from him. When I was very young, his tantrums were sometimes quite violent. My mother would take me and escape. But she would come back. The interplay between my father and my mother would play a role in my own development. First, with my father being angry a lot of the time, I learned quickly to stay out of sight as much as possible. Second, whenever my father became angry, my family would become silent and give in to whatever demands he made so as not to make it worse. This continued into my teenage years, even as his tantrums diminished in severity. I was disgusted at this and resented my whole family; my mother for being too weak to fight back, my father for selfishly inflicting pain on us to serve his own emotional needs. While I was very young, I made a decision never to be like him. To this day, I cannot shake the feeling that I am being selfish when I am approaching someone. I see women as tolerating my presence, even fearful of me. I approach people easily if I feel I have something to offer them, like advice. But other than that, I keep away.

Like the guy said in the “40 Year Old Virgin”, “I respect women so much I stay away from them.” When I am out and see a beautiful women, I avert my eyes and feel like i am being civilized, doing her a favor. The problems with this way of thinking are two: first, it keeps me from ever telling anyone I am interested. Second, it's partially true. While most men are at least a little attracted to all women, this is not true of women. While men are better able to overcome their appearance than women, it's true to say I have something to overcome. Hitch might have been right in the movie when he said, “No women is getting up this morning and saying, `I hope someone doesn't sweep me off my feet today.'” But the harsh reality is that it is not me they have in mind when they think of who's going to sweep them off their feet. Girls don't kiss frogs. What would your intuition say about a frog? We are all full of fear when we approach people, and we think we are being judged. While we bay choose to comfort ourselves by saying that we are not, it's not so. We are. Women, by and large, prefer it if I move on, communicating only politely and on a superficial level.

That said, I certainly think I could find someone. Both my therapists and the PUA guys I have read (I think Mystery Method sounded best) have said that I should change my perceptions from asking what the other person thinks of me to asking what I want from the other person and how to get it. But that goes against my nature to a large extent. It's hard to control your thoughts.

And this is all the kind of analysis I often get bogged down in. Why don't I just go out and meet someone? So what if I get rejected a hundred times? Once I find someone, my life gets better, right? Am I afraid of rejection? Both of my therapists say yes. But I don't know. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of going out alone. I have no friends to go with. I'm afraid because I've never been in a singles bar. I don't even drink and wouldn't know what to order. And I see all of this as lowering my value as a man. How can a man take charge of a date if he doesn't know where to go next? Doesn't know his surroundings? And, yes, I am afraid of being rejected. But it's not the first thing on the list. And worse, I can't imagine myself not being rejected. I reject myself, so why wouldn't a women reject me?

I have tried online personals, didn't happen for me. I sent out a lot of emails and got no response. I've said it before, I think online personals are a rip-off for men. Women browse the torrents of emails they receive with the same jaded eye they would Karaoke singers or wallpaper. In a sense, it is a return to a more primitive time. Once primitive peoples used to have mating rituals in which the men or women would woo their potential mates with a mating dance. Now the men woo the women with words in an email, sometimes before they even know what the women looks like. And while many on either side of the gender line would say that this conflicts with our humanist idea that the best man for the job should get the job, none of us really can stop.

But that view is likely a much because of my own failure as anything. I kept a profile for more than a year, sent out many emails. On Match.com I got absolutely nothing, my profile might as well have been disabled. On yahoo I did a bit better, three responses that went nowhere. A few of the women I emailed actually appeared to ban me as they disappeared right after I emailed them, which seems particularly nasty, but there it is.

So I've tried. But it's hard. The first day I had my profile up on match.com, I didn't sleep that night. I had no idea the silence that was about to hit me. Composing emails is an excruciating experience. I am greatly stressed as I compose and normally the ads I read give me little to comment on. The inevitability of rejection makes the whole thing seem pointless, and as I browse the ads that say to me over and over again that they are looking for a guy with confidence, a sense of humor, someone who knows what he wants, someone thin, it becomes even more obvious that most of them are trying to filter me out. That's precisely the kind of negative thought that many would say is a self-fulfilling prophesy. But it's not. I didn't think myself fat. Confidence may be something you can fake, and faking successfully then leads to sincere confidence, it's difficult to approach women knowing you have to pretend to be what they want.

It's past a point now where I am even planning to do anything about it. I have been planning all my life and I'm not sure I even care anymore. While I am sure that I want love in my life, I am not sure I am willing to do what it takes to get it. For all the reasons I mentioned, and the obvious reason that I am humiliated by the fact that I am destined to fumble like a teenager in romantic situations and sexual ones, this is all harder for me than for most, though it's hard for all. There is no question in my mind that I can also be happy alone. Maybe that's what's best for me. I should probably concentrate on doing the things that bring me pleasure and just trying to be honest with people rather than going for love.