08/01/2007 Just A Journal Post

08/01/2007 Just A Journal Post

Lately UM has been battling an increased lack of motivation which has him rethinking things. That's why I haven't been posting much. This weekend I spent Sunday pretty much sleeping. All that sleeping, one would think, would cause one to feel somewhat refreshed, but Monday was almost as bad, though I went to work. The Vertigo is pretty much gone, it's something else that has me down.

Monday at work I was tired all day and still when I got home. I am happy I resisted the urge to go to bed when I got home, which generally leads to bad things. I masturbated before I went to sleep, which I shouldn't do because it doesn't make me tired anymore, just hungry. I started thinking of the beautiful French singer Alizee, one of my favorite people on the planet. But I came for Miley Cyrus, who is just hitting her mid-teens and has become one of the hottest girls anywhere. If they ever invent a machine where you can live out your fantasies, I am gonna get so arrested.

While I had been doing better of late in motivating myself, this weekend I just crashed. I am in horrible shape and still gaining weight. I need fucking steroids. I don't overeat, but I still gain weight. I need to exercise, but I never do. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I need to change something. I used to say in therapy all the time, I need to rebuild myself from the ground up. But it's hard, I am not sure I can change anymore. It seems like when I am not exerting maximum willpower I default to unhealthy things. I need a change.

I am thinking of founding a community of people who would dedicate themselves to exercise and, perhaps, martial arts. That would be a way to motivate myself. Actually, studying people who successfully keep up a workout routine for a long period of time, usually they say that you just have to get used to doing things when you are not motivated. In a community, we could have people challenge each other, motivate each other, wake each other up. This would be a living community of people, we would do it for each other.

But I am always thinking things like that. I am always trying to outsmart myself. More and more as I get older I begin to think that we really can't deny our nature. Maybe the best thing I can do is eat when I feel like eating and enjoy it as much as possible. And if I die then, well, try to enjoy that, too.