7/07/2007 My Little World View Of Your Mind

7/07/2007 My Little World View Of Your Mind

We often see it in old television shows and movies: the ability to read minds. It always ends up disastrous, doesn't it? I guess the writers don't think that, “we can handle the truth.” They're probably right. As far as reading minds, I have always felt that reading mine (generally a skill we all feel we already have, but we don't. Or not to the degree we think, anyway) was the same as reading yours, as monstrous as some of you who may read my blog may think that is. Many of us learn too much for our own good about the way our minds work, and furthermore can read body language to the degree that we can guess pretty well what others are thinking. But a truly open society remains the stuff of fiction, literally.

On Friday I am thinking of this as I came home late. I went to my supermarket and got some stuff. The other girl I had kind of a crush on wasn't there. I hadn't seen her in a while. She used to be there all the time. She was there late, on weekends. I noticed her in particular because while there are lots of cute teenage girls about, she in particular has a sense of the aesthetic in the way she dresses and does her hair that put her above most. But she was gone.

After that I went down the street a bit to buy some printer carts and there she was at the cash register. At first, when I saw her, it took me a second to recognize her. After staring for a moment and then realizing that she was looking right back at me, I looked away. She was looking back at me angrily. I didn't know why. I was all business. I went to the counter and as she scanned in the items there was an error buzz, followed by an exasperated exhale. I couldn't help but laugh a little. Okay, so I wasn't the reason she was mad.

I still left the store feeling empty. I wanted to say something to her. Not anything sexual, but I wanted to say hi. I recognized her and I know her name. But I felt like I couldn't say anything to her. I felt like a dirty old man. Why? Because I am a dirty old man. I want to make love to this girl, and a good many of my masturbation sessions have featured her in my thoughts; me making love to her, or another girl doing her with a strap-on. How do I look this girl in the eye?

Will we ever get to a point where we can be honest with each other? Will I ever be able to just say to a girl like this, “I'm going to miss seeing you because you're so pretty and I always hope you're there”? That reminds me of the movie, “Hitch”, when Hitch says, “Guys have to learn this stuff because it's not enough for you to just say, 'I like you.'” Of course, romantic performance is subject to the laws of supply and demand. Just letting our feelings be known is a matter of unburdening ourselves, often at the expense of another. But will we ever want honesty from one another? Is our ethical system always so favoring defense that I will never be able to tell her she's pretty without fear of being judged?

Of course, it's the same fear that keeps me from saying it in the first place that would move her to judge me. And her judgments would likely be correct. Again, what hurts more than the truth? So now let's take it a step further. What if we could read each other's mind?

That's a more complex idea than the Twilight Zone ever conceived. Hearing words is not the same as reading one's mind. The mind consists of a full imagination. To read someone's mind is to hear their words, see the images in their mind, hear the sounds and the words, know the emotions attached to these images and sounds, and the memories that put them into the context you have them. It also means understanding the paradigms, the conclusions, the influences in arts, religion and family, and genetic influences that might cause much of this. It is likely that the mind of a complex person would be unreadable to a rube. It also may mean different cultures might be unreadable to one another. And does it mean that we'd be offended? Oh boy! You bet!

If this girl could have read my mind, she would immediately have seen my pathetic life in total. She also would have seen no remorse on my part. She would have seen that day in December when she was my cashier and she finished by wishing me a happy new year, and I had to fight the urge to kiss her. She would see the image of her co-worker fucking her, and the profound arousal that caused me. She would see my preference for women with dark hair and dark skin. I think she'd be grossed out.

But the question I would ask is, wouldn't we adjust in time? After all the offense taken and fear, wouldn't we be somewhat desensitized to it? And then we would never have to worry about being lied to. There are positive things in what we think as well; positive thoughts we hide. If she could read my mind, she'd know that the reason I didn't say any of this in the first place is that I'd rather take a knife to the abdomen than to do something to hurt her. She'd see that despite all this ludicrous thought and desire, that there is absolutely nothing to fear from me. She'd see that I think she's beautiful and would do anything appropriate to help her in any pursuit she chose to make her happy. She'd also see that anyone who tried to hurt her better not try when I'm around. None of this would make her want to marry me, but it might comfort her somewhat. She may even welcome my presence.

And as time went on, we would adjust to knowing each other's thoughts, and know each other better as a result. But for now, it would have been nice to say hello, to get some recognition. I'm afraid that there will always be a lot of lonely people in the world as it is. The saying goes, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”. Nope. We have to fear others who are also afraid; and that, is a legitimate fear.