Well, I've been ill now for about a week. For the first 36 years of my life, I never got sick. No colds, no flus. The flu would go around at work and I was the only guy never to get it. Lately, I get everything that goes around and then some. What the fuck ever.
I mostly have slept the last week. That's literal sleep, not the figurative slumber that describes the rest of my life. Missed some work, felt guilty about it. Pesky thing, guilt. Let's me know I have some evolving to do. What is this crap all over me? Fuck. It's guilt. I thought I had outgrown it with my morals.
I'll take this time to say a few things. You may ask, if anyone ever reads this, how could you have ever got into this situation? No friends, no women. Well, I'll tell you. I have tried to be different. I went to therapy, I joined a therapy group. I did learn a lot about myself in therapy, and I believe I have put depression in the past as a result. But as for the group, the people there mostly just felt sorry for me. Which, of course, just made things worse.
Then I had the misjudgment to put up an ad on Match.com. I remember I was so nervous when I did that. What a laugh!!! I put up the ad and didn't sleep that night. I fought myself to check my messages in the morning. Nothing. Kind of relieved, kind of disappointed. Next day, nothing. Day after, nothing. I was on for a year and never got one message. I sent out 20 emails and got no responses. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
I have since decided that cyberpersonals are basically heaven for women and hell for most men. Most of the major sites claim something in the range of a 5 to 3 ratio of men to women. Many “experts' that I have read indicate that those numbers might even be optimistic. Even average looking women and older women sign up for those sites and let the emails come pouring in. Many smaller sites even let women join for free. But men join those sites and get nothing. One article I read said that 75% of men who put up personal ads never get a response. The women have the advantage online, and why shouldn't they? Men often go to those sites because most men are scared to approach women, even men who are not “shy” or afflicted with SA. So there is every incentive to go online for men. For women, it's different. Women just show up in bars and men approach them. There is no incentive to go online, except that you are dissatisfied with the men that you have been dating. Which, of course, most women are.
So, anyway, after therapy and pulling myself out of depression, I started reaching out to people. And people have beat me down. I was angry about that at first, but now I'm kind of relieved. Relieved to be spared the despair, the narrow mindedness, the judgments of people. After all, these women that put up ads, that dress up and go to clubs, that have bodies that blow my mind and set me on fire, are, after all, just the same mediocrity as anyone else. Just exploiters of instinct. Alone, I can experience beauty, deep thought, art, and music undistracted. So whatever. I rejected the world, but then it rejected me. I am better off for it. I was forced onto the road less traveled, and it made no less difference.
I'm going to bed now, and I'm going to listen to the theme to Red Violin. And I'm going to find total peace in my mind.
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