5/24/2007 Love At First Site Continued: Jen

5/24/2007 Love At First Site Continued: Jen

I remember the first time I saw Jen. I was in my mid-to-late twenties. I was coming from work in the morning and walking out to my car. Behind me I hear a car door. I look and there is this girl walking into my building. She is utterly gorgeous, this perfect little teenage girl. At least she looked like a teenager. I didn't know if she was there to work, to apply, to interview, to visit a boyfriend, or a father. But I just hoped that she would be hired, she was so perfect. And yes, she would be hired.

At the time, I was working in this place that I won't name. But there were two divisions in this place. The division I worked in was all guys. I hated that but there it is. The other area often hired attractive women, and I was jealous. Of course, the wage was lower over there. Still, I couldn't meet women in my personal life, it would have been nice to have my soul mate “drop into my lap” by coming in and working with me. But, all guys. Ick!

My father was the general manager of the place. He would tell any guy who would listen that the feminists might just bring a lawsuit against him if they found out he that there were no women in the division. Not really, there were only 5 guys or so. Plus women didn't even apply for work there. There would have been no case. If anyone had jumped to the conclusion that my father was a misogynist, though, they probably had a case. He often talked about how women stand around and talk all day, while the men did all the work. That one astounds me; the guys in my line of work do so much standing around and talking, you would think they were teamsters.

But my father would figure into this. He eventually would hire a women. She walked in one day and my immediate thought was, “I wonder who's affair she is.” He said he would never hire a women and now here she is. I also admit to being a bit selfish. The other area gets Jen, I have to look at her all day? Shit.

My father would eventually leave my mother for her. Much of what happened there I will not go into, as it has nothing to do with the story. Once the shit settled, I turned in my notice. I never really wanted to work with my father, but this time, putting myself in a position where he would have authority over me was nothing less than masochistic. But during that painful time when my mother knew there was an affair but didn't know who it was, the “other women” once called my house and gave the name, “Jen”.

A clear attempt to hide her identity. My mother and my brother always remembered the name Jen, even though as the divorce went on, the real name was revealed. My mother always said that she knew that Jen had something to do with it, even if no one knew what it was. My brother always seemed to believe it was really Jen that my father left mom for, even though there was no evidence. As time went on, something came out; my father had given money to Jen. He said it was to help her out because she needed it. I could see that as he always had a guilty conscience. But it was never clear if there was more to the story.

Soon after I left, my father was fired. There were new owners and he wasn't cooperating with them. They came back and offered me a job. I needed it, so I took it. I was back. For a time, things were placid.

*

The next chapter starts with something very simple. They put a window in our door. What that has to do with our story is this: I never had to see very much of Jen before that. But when the window went in, I realized that she is on the phone a lot. And there was a phone right outside the window. So I saw her a lot. Jen had matured somewhat over the years. She no longer looked like a perfect little teen. Now she had acquired an elegance with her years. I tried not to look at her, but I couldn't resist. As I was now in charge of my division, I was often in the office area. When she was put in charge of her's, we began to see more of each other. With all that had happened, I didn't want this. I didn't want to be in love with her. But the explosion that happened in my mind every time I saw her was hard to deny. Something strange accompanied this. I kept thinking of her every time I had an orgasm. Usually, when I have an orgasm for a women, I lose interest in her temporarily. For some women, it lasts weeks. Others, only a day or so. But I was thinking of Jen every time I orgasmed. That was just weird.

I began to learn about her. Most personal details I must decline to write, as I wouldn't want her to be identified. But other than her beauty, which was apparent to anyone around her, she also had a fantastic smile, and a great sense of humor. She always made everyone around her smile. And she learned everything quickly: she had earned accolades from the management, and earned her way into a management position, leaping over a number of people that had been there for years. Some of the other workers were sore at her for taking money from my father, but if there was more to that story, I never learned it. And the way I was feeling, it wouldn't have mattered. But I wasn't in love, not yet.

One day, after work, I was sitting in a parking lot. I was trying to think of what I wanted to do. I had suffered from depression before, but it had subsided during the divorce. I had a lot to do and I put everything aside and did it. Being away from my father was a temporary lift. But I could feel it coming on again like a veil falling over me. I needed something, I needed to do something to stop this.

I got out of the car, just to stretch my legs a bit, and when I turned around, I saw the greatest rainbow I had ever seen. It was not out in the distance, but right there, in the street over me, like it was made of neon. I couldn't believe it, but then I saw others in the lot stopped in their tracks. It was amazing. Then something else happened. Something came into my mind. It wasn't so much a vision as knowledge. I had two paths. The first path, I work. I become the man that I am meant to be, and the reward for all of the pain I had ever felt would be the love of Jen. The second path, I don't work. And then I languish for the rest of my life.

The rainbow disappeared when I got home. It was not visible from my apartment. But things were going to change. I had a glimpse of the future. And This women might be a part of it. What joy that would be! What fulfillment I would know! I began to eat a good diet, listen to music again. My feelings for Jen once again eclipsed any sexual feelings I had, and I lost the ability to masturbate over her. I began to wake up early, and work out. I was losing weight. But things began to get complicated.

*

One day I was putting my time card back. One of the other guys in the division was right behind me. Normally, I always put my card in the top slot. Why not? That way I always knew where it was, and rarely did anyone else have the same idea. But today, feeling whimsical, I decided to put my time card next to hers. When I turned, I got a glimpse of his face. Let's call him Bluto. When I saw his face, I saw immediately that he had feelings for Jen. He saw where my time card was and looked like he was trying to melt it with his eyes. Later, I overheard him say to someone else, “If I could marry a girl like that, I would be happy for the rest of my life.”

So competition had entered the picture. And from the location of my time card, he seemed to be as aware of me as I was of him. I didn't hate him for it, he was a decent guy. I didn't have a confident bone in my body. If I ended up with Jen, it would be because we were meant to be, not because I was better than the best. Jen could do better than either of us.

I waited. Bluto was well liked and had many friends in the company. But this bit of gossip made him the star of the show. People would come in to the division and talk to him constantly. And if I entered the room, their conversation fell silent. It was funny. I could only catch glimpses of their thoughts. “Wherever she is, I'll be.” “I don't know why you want to do this. You're just making a fool of yourself.” “Why do you want the responsibility?” “Because she's beautiful”.

Finally, one day, he came in and went straight to her division. To my surprise, I was nervous. But when he came back, I could tell from the look on his face what he had done, and what her answer was. He was smiling, but the soul was drained from him. His feelings for her were as intense as mine.

*

With that out of the way, came opportunity. Management was sending Jen, myself, and one other guy to a seminar for mangers. Wow, here it is. My big break. I had not lost as much weight as I wanted to. I was not the man I was “meant to be” yet. But I don't want this to pass me by. At first, there was a possibility it would be just be me and Jen. How I wished for that! But it didn't happen. It was three of us.

Normally I would have gone on a trip like this with the plan of saying as little to my travel mates as possible. Only if they ask questions, and I would dread their questions. But this was Jen. This was going to be different. I knew nothing about attracting women. But I knew enough not to force anything. We don't have to come back married. Just plant the seed. Just talk to her a little bit. Be funny, be charming. And then be gone. I'll ask her out in my own time. Flirt a bit. Make her laugh. Try to enjoy the time together.

The ride up could have been worse. Some awkward banter with the other guy in the car. Much of the conversation was between them; they worked together and were comfortable with each other. But I managed to say a few things. That alone was progress.

When I got there I made some small talk with the both of them. I felt a feeling of familiarity with Jen. We went into the seminar. If the other guy had sat between us, the end would have been right there.

But she sat between us. Great! I made some comments on the other's attire. Asked her a few questions. To my surprise, I began to feel a sense of comfort that bordered on grace. I felt completely in my element. I really was enjoying just a simple conversation with the women I was in love with. The seminar began.

Jen is cold. She wore a skirt and she regrets it. She's also sick. She's very tired. But then, she drops something. She bends over to pick it up, and her hair falls on my hand. Angel hair, so soft it's lighter than air. But my mind is racing! Is she flirting? Is this a flirt? Kinda. It implies a certain closeness. But I decide it isn't a sign. Confusing me here is that Jen is the type of girl who probably flirts with everyone. Something like that could very well be natural.

Then the instructor tells us to turn to a blank page in our books and work with the person next to us. For me, that's Jen! I don't turn to look at her right away, I'm afraid I'll betray myself. I listen to his instructions, barely hearing. Finally I turn to look at her, and...

She's right there! She was waiting for me to turn and now her face is like one inch away from mine and she's got a big smile on her face! Oh, what to do? I smiled, but I turned away shyly. I looked down at the notebook. We talked a bit about the assignment. I did mine, but when it came time to do hers, she didn't do it. I asked her why and she just shook her head. From heaven to hell! Feast to famine! Did I do something wrong? I was looking forward to knowing what she would think of. But she wouldn't write anything. Was it over? Did I blow it already?

We broke for lunch. Jen leaves immediately because she is cold and wants to find a place to purchase some pants. The other guy, (who, I realized just now, I am disrespecting when I call him that. I should state here that while he is not relevant to this story, he is a good guy. When I left work after the divorce, he gave me a number for a guy who might have a job for me. He was a good man and I hope that in the future I get a chance to work with him again.) invites me to lunch with him. I decline, saying I have to get out of here. He looks at me like I snubbed him, and says ok, but clearly wondering why he tried. But he wasn't going to keep me from Jen.

I walk out but Jen is no where in sight. I go in the general direction she would have gone, but can't find her. I stop in a sub shop to get a sub. I am too fat for the booth, and eating an italian sub that is leaking oil, and generally miserable when she walks in. I am so shocked and happy, but I freeze. The part of me that is shouting ILOVEYEW is too strong, I barely contain it. Then, to my relief, she says, “Hey, UM.” I say hey back. She walks towards the back, I am trying to think of a graceful way of asking her to sit with me. She comes back and says without looking at me that she is looking for a place to change clothes. That ruins it, I can't ask her to stop knowing she's cold. So I recommend that she go back to the seminar, they no doubt have a restroom. I regret it because it sounds like i wanted to get rid of her and plus it seemed so obvious. Would she have walked in if she didn't want me to ask her to sit? Oh well, at least I know i don't look too desperate to her.

I give her a five minute head start, and then I go back. I figure she will be in the dining area with the other guy, and I am wrong. In fact, even though there is ten minutes to the restart of the seminar, no one is in the dining area. Fuck. I go back to the seminar room and Jen is now wearing skin tight sweat pants that cause me to melt all over the floor. Some small talk before it begins, and then the ride home are uneventful. I have this fantasy that the instructor tells me to take the person next to me in my arms and gaze into her eyes. Didn't happen.

As the three of us part at the building, I make a complete ass of myself by offering to pay for gas. The other guy informs me that he will get reimbursed. Then I manage to thank Jen for coming despite being sick. She gives only a polite thanks. Still, I was flying high after this. I feel like I have planted some seeds.

Then the next day. I have to go in to ask her for something. During the conversation, I notice she is mirroring my movements. A natural flirt, right? Halfway through a completely businesslike question I smile, just to see if she will, too. She does. I am stunned. I ask the question and she answers, and I go. On the way, I am tormented by the question: Could she really be interested in me? I got the definite impression that if I asked her out at that moment, she would have said yes. Then later in the day: I hear her and some other people on the way out. I think I catch an exchange between her and someone else. The other guy teases her in some way, and she responds with the following statement, “I am not in love with UM!” Did I hear that right? Are they teasing her about being in love with me? Could they have a reason?

The next day I resolve to take my own advice. When I was thinking about Bluto, and how, if I were him, I would try to get Jen to like me. Every day, without another word, go to her when she is alone and tell her a joke. Every day a new joke. That would be a way of telling her you like her without putting too much pressure on her too soon. Most guys ask a girl if they can buy them a drink before she even talks to them. Most women have no choice but to decide their interest in a man based on looks. The joke-a-day thing gives her time to think about you. And it also makes her associate you with laughter and fun. So I decided to do that. I waited and waited for her to walk by the window on a smoke break, but I didn't see her all day. Then the next day, I saw her, finally. She goes out, Then I go out. But she's standing there with her friend, so I chicken out. I act like I was looking for someone else, and then I go back in. The next few weeks, my fear gets the better of me, and I didn't talk to her at all.

Then she seemed to take up with this guy who was three times her age. He was just an average looking guy. He did have a good sense of humor and was popular with all the girls. But they would take breaks together, sometimes stand a little too close. Then they would have these wrestling matches that were supposed to look funny, but to the outside, seemed to be an excuse to put their hands on each other. There was some negative talk about them.

I was in hell. The love of my life, not only did I give into fear, but I also could have saved her from this older guy, and I didn't. My depression got worse. I was suicidal. The rainbow was right, I was on the wrong track.

I don't know where Jen is today, or the older guy. I still talked to Bluto from time to time. But there is no doubt, that the greatest regret I have in my life is that I never told Jen how I felt. I am not good enough for her. I know that. I am not beautiful like her, or rich. But I would have dedicated every ounce of energy I have to making her happy, because her smile put light in my heart.

When my mother died, we were all gathered in our living room. My father was losing it, as expected. My grandmother didn't know what to say, but started talking anyway. My brother just sat there and seethed. I went to the window and looked out. It was spring, and there was a gentle breeze blowing through the grass on the lawn outside. I had this overwhelming feeling that my mother was in that breeze, and that in a way that I could feel, but not understand, everything was ok.

There are only two times in my life that I have had that feeling. The first time was the day my mother died. The second was when I was talking to Jen. To this day, some nights I think about that moment when her smiling face was so close to mine, and I am thankful that I was once so close to beauty. Then there are other nights that I think about how I might have had a chance and didn't take it. How stupid I was. And how all of this is just shit. All the stuff I typed before this is just crap. All of it is just a defense. Really I am scared to death that I will never feel that way again. I am scared that I will never feel truly alive again.