05/21/2007 Love At First Sight

05/21/2007 Love At First Sight

Spent the weekend sleeping and finally my disease is starting to break. Now I can start running again, and continue my workout program. Sunday morning was great. I woke up and felt lousy. I got up and my head was aching, my throat was sore as though I was screaming in my sleep. Then I went back to bed and masturbated. When I reached a satisfying orgasm, I layed back...and felt good for the first time in weeks. No headache, no dizziness, no ringing in my ears. Nothing at all. I just laid back and felt good, listening to the wind. Nothing beats classical music on a rainy day. I was also able to fix my running toilet, which has been bothering me in my sleep for some time. Having dropped my classes for the summer due to my disease, I have some free time to start planning.

Today I have been thinking about love. That ludicrous invention of the minstrels. Does anyone out there really believe in Plato's idea that the soul splits in heaven and seeks it's complement on earth? It's difficult to believe that anymore, given the divorce rate and just generally what we do to each other. Then again, when it happens, it can be hard to deny. But emotional connections has no importance to my own situation. Love at first sight, does.

My first love at first sight was Christine. I was 16, she was 17. She was in my art class. She was amazing. The primary reason I fell in love with her is that, not only was she gorgeous, but she seemed as shy as me. Little did I know: she was one of the most popular girls in the school. But even when I found out, then seed had been planted. It was the first taste I have ever had of true love.

What made my feelings for Christine so different from anything I had felt before was this: I wasn't that attracted to her sexually. Even though she was hot, my sexual feelings were completely overwhelmed by an intense spiritual longing. I never thought about sex with her. All I could think about was making her laugh. Things I would say to her, holding her when she was sad. Only romance.

She sat right in front of me in class. I would listen attentively to anything she said, but rarely said anything to her myself. This would be the blueprint for all future attractions.

Always things start with no sexual attraction where normally there would be one. ( I must add here that I am very sexual. What is it that Emily Dickinson said? “To understand the nectar- requires sorest need.” I generally am attracted to any female around me and usually masturbate over pretty much anyone under the age of 50 or so. To not be lustful of a beautiful women my own age is very strange. Of course, if I were Brad Pitt, that might seem viral, but on me it's just desperate and pathetic; a designation I am unmitigatedly proud of.)

This one culminated in an end of the year art show in which she drove me to the setting and we were alone in the car. I was determined to tell her how I felt, even though she had a boyfriend in college. But I didn't tell her. I told myself I would tell her after the show, but I didn't. She graduated and was gone forever. Once she was gone, the sex thing kicked in. I would masturbate over her several times a day, reaching mind-blowing orgasms that had me wondering if at 16 I might actually have a heart attack. But they faded...she was gone from my memory as well. I had already suffered from depression and it got worse as I my soul had died, and furthermore I couldn't stop escaping into masturbation.

At 36 years old, I have had three such “loves”. All of then followed that same pattern.

More on love at first sight tomorrow.